Sharon Jones and the Squirrel Trappers

There’s a Sharon Jones song for every occasion; drinking, sex, cooking, and apparently squirrel hunting. Halfway and half-drunk into listening to Naturally, a squirrel shot down my chimney, tore into a bag of pistachios and scared my cat so bad she shits herself. As I write this, I have a broom stick in one hand, my phone in the other,  and a Paloma straddling my thighs. All to the tune of Tell Me.

In the awful year of our Lord 2007 there came a good omen, the first album by Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, Naturally, one of the greatest soul albums of the 2000s.

100 Days 100 Nights: It might take a 100 days to know a man’s heart but it only takes one Rob Roy to have you wondering why you ever drank Manhattan’s. It’ll only take you thirty seconds to love this album. It’s got the soul of Nina Simone with Diana Ross flare, while still being original. 

Nobody’s Baby: The Dap Kings have a mean horn section, but it’s hard to deny how their drummer shines in this classy dump-your-man anthem. Nothing says “get over yourself” like sipping a sidecar and pointing to the door. 

Tell Me: Tell me how to get this goddamn squirrel out from my dryer! I’m begging you Scoob, listen to Sharon, she’s trying to hear those three magic words, I can only assume they’re “please leave, now.” I’ll swill back a shot of screwball chased with maple syrup, in Scoob’s honor. 

Be Easy: Mellow out, be cool, I’m just scaring him. I’ll nurse the Aviation. Nothing says cool and suave like crème de Violette. This also happens to be the smoothest track on the record. 

When the Other Foot Drops: Animal Control approaches. I hear him rustling. If anything can convince him to get out, it’s this stern track telling you man to “pack up and run” before my Godfather is empty.

Let Them Knock: this is supposed to be a sexy track, but Animal Control just knocked. I fear she’ll use that net to snag me, the snarling animal this Scoob and this hefty Paloma have done to me. 

Somethings Changed: Animal control assured me that if they cant see a squirrel, then there is no squirrel. I think they suggested I’m hallucinating, which would make sense given the collection of empty glasses sitting by me. “Something’s changed in your eyes,” she sings. Did the absinthe in this corpse reviver drive me mad?

Humble Me: It’s hard to imagine Sharon Jones as anything but humble, in this sweet ballad. Humble me of words like luxardo and cointraeu. Where’s the $2 Ice House?

Keep Looking: I mixed up an El Diablo, hoping Scoob settled in as I settle into the only song on this album I don’t like quite as much. Answer Me: I nearly shook up this final Negroni when I saw him scurry out and take the bait. Sharon Jones is screaming “answer me, sweet Jesus.” Answer me, get this fucking squirrel out my door! The Good Lord Demands wine.

Brooks Shropshire is a horror writer from Boone NC. He’s currently searching for the best martini recipe. Send martini tips via Twitter @brookshrop.

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