Kenny Rogers Explains The Gambler

On a warm summer’s eve
On a train bound for nowhere

On a warm summer’s eve
On a train bound for nowhere

It was actually a train to Arkansas, but they told me to say nowhere because that would be more relatable.


I met up with the Gambler

His real name was Bob Cohen, but he had it changed at Ellis Island when he immigrated here from Ukraine.

We were both too tired to sleep

You may not understand this, but when you think about the fact I didn’t have my sleep number mattress, it begins to make sense.

So we took turns a-starin’
Out the window at the darkness
The boredom overtook us,

Not me, I had my National Geographic Kids Magazines to read.

And he began to speak

He said, “Son, I’ve made a life
Out of readin’ people’s faces
Knowin’ what the cards were
By the way they held their eyes

He later revealed he could see the reflections in their glasses.

So if you don’t mind me sayin’
I can see you’re out of aces

He knew this because he asked me for aces, but I told him go fish.

For a taste of your whiskey
I’ll give you some advice”

So I handed him my bottle
And he drank down my last swallow

Honestly, kind of a dick move,

Then he bummed a cigarette
And asked me for a light

Jesus, do you want my kidney too, Bob?

And the night got deathly quiet
And his faced lost all expression
He said, “If you’re gonna play the game, boy
You gotta learn to play it right

I thought he said Gameboy at first, which I had already learned to play Pokemon Emerald on, so I felt confident.

You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em

We just threw these in because they rhymed, I actually have no clue what it means.

Know when to walk away
And know when to run

I’m pretty sure poker doesn’t have any running in it, but you never know.

You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table

This is because most people lie about actually knowing how to count, so this saves them the embarrassment.

There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done

It was at this moment, everything made sense. Poker is stupid and Bob is shitfaced on my whiskey.

Jackson Weaver is a college student just trying to be funny. If you find this funny follow me @updogenthusiast. If you don’t find it funny and just want to cyberbully me, you can also follow me on twitter.

Categories: Funny News

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