Rage on the Page: Skewering The VVitch

The VVitch.

Let me guess. You’re going to tell me it was, “The scariest movie of the decade.”

And guess what else. If you say that to me, I will push your ass off the Golden Gate Bridge.

Let’s start here – The VuhVitch is a drama, not horror. And, it’s not even a good drama. You want to see a real horror movie? A good horror movie?

Well guess what. It stars me, as a horror fan who was Pushed. Too. Far. By annoying hipsters who watch movies like The Vuhvitch and The Lighthouse and Midsommar and then run around telling me what “Real horror looks like.”

I, the innocent victim who was turned into a killer by obscene hipsterdom, am wielding a chainsaw. Or a machete. Or a giant kitchen knife. Because that’s how *real* horror is done.

I will have a theme song. I will wear a mask. And, to quote Scream, “I’ll gut you like a fish.”

Cinephiles, we need to make a stand. We need to take back cinema. We need to save horror. We don’t need new, artsy garbage. We need tacky, tasteless sequels, like Friday the 13th Pt. 11: Jason Takes the Pacific Ocean or another Halloween reboot that ignores half the franchise.

Hipster filmmaking is tyranny. We must fight against it!

The next time someone says, “blah blah blah, you know, Halloween III is actually the best in the series…” Find the nearest sharp object you can, and thrust it straight into their eyeball. Pig fuckers!

Come on, horror fans! The genre belongs to us. It’s time we make a stand. It’s time we fight back. It’s time we reclaim the realm that’s rightfully ours! 

Keith Langston writes for Travel Channel, Screen Rant, and Passport Magazine, among others. His personal essays have been featured in Hobart and Talking Writing. His passions are travel, film, and tea. 

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