Dear pocketless dresses,

Thank you for your efforts but the time has come to withdraw our support. Whilst we appreciate your enthusiasm and pizazz, we feel that you are failing to meet our needs and so we must reconsider your presence in our lives. Daily existence is currently tough enough as it is, and you are lagging behind in the pursuit of pockets of happiness.

To be clear, this is not a slight on your quality or your fit. Many of you have proven yourselves to be supreme examples of fashion. We’ve been dazzled by sequinned patterns, awed by the cut of a dramatic neckline and even been brought to tears by the delicate detail in an embroidered design. Your zeal has never been in question. There is room for all on our clothes rail. If only you weren’t missing one (two if symmetry matters to you) vital component: the pocket.

We cannot go on “making do”. The truth is that pockets are a necessary part of human survival. If one is wearing clothes, one would like those clothes to have a functioning flap in which to secrete a phone, keys or an emergency snack. Trousers have pockets, jackets have pockets, even shirts dabble in the singular breast pocket. Why do you dresses persist in your pointless attempt at a pocketless reality? Being colourful or flamboyant may distract us momentarily, but we soon recognise the need for the practicality of a pocket or two to excel in the completion of our daily tasks.

Many other dresses are blessed with pockets and, for those who wear them, their existence is a tiny yet shining beacon of joy and pragmatism in an otherwise agonising shitshow of a world filled with pain and injustice. Therefore, we are sorry to say that if you are without pockets, we have no further need for your service, no matter how much aesthetic pleasure you may provide.

Please consider this advice for further development: you should make assertive plans for improving your design. Pockets need not be ugly pockmarks on your smooth material; they can be hidden within the design or be showcased and praised as they should rightly be. We’re no fascists; you can choose whichever pocket you find most fitting: side pockets, front pockets, a cheeky bottom pocket, the security of a zip fastening, the lavishness of a flap and button, the daring recklessness of a shallow side pocket, hell, even a giant front pouch is a delight in some circumstances. Variety is the spice of life. The main thing is to include a motherfucking pocket.

As an additional note, it will be detrimental to our association and negatively affect any potential deals going forward if you insist on persevering with the inclusion of the fake pocket in any designs. There is no greater pain than seemingly spying the most beautiful dress, an ideal length, the perfect material, in your exact size, and in the goddamn sale, only to discover the pockets on display are no more than a stitched sham of a broken dream, existing only to tantalise as to what could have been in a kinder, more pocket-producing world. In short, an infuriatingly sadistic addition with no rightful place on any hanger.

We are sorry that we must end our relationship and wish you luck in your pursuit of pocket-based improvement. Dig deep into your (potential) pockets and believe in what you could become. There’s power in them there pockets.

All the best,

The dress wearing population of the world

Katie Isham is a writer, teacher, drummer and mild adventurer. She believes kindness is a superpower. She writes a travel blog that is currently somewhat static. Her words can also be found in Dear Damsels, The Shrew Satire and Funny Pearls. You will find her in the South of England hanging out with dogs or eating cake. Sometimes simultaneously.

www.vintagegnome.blogspot.co.uk Twitter: @k_isham