Drunken Horoscopes by your Favorite Aries: VOL. 1

Aries – Stop being a sad ram and step into some margaritas or eight but not nine because remember that time you got so drunk you puked on your friend’s couch? Your month will go like that.

Taurus – You’re ready to get cozy with a fire pit, some munchies, and some nice whiskey. You have all of these things, I know. Just remember not to pour the whiskey on the fire…this time.

Gemini – Home is where the gin is, Gems! And that’s where you want to be this month. Just remember not to dance too close to the edge of any buildings.

Cancer – You’re feeling feisty and friendly this month so break out the vodka and tonics, but watch out. Remember that time you got drunk and painted your living room entirely blue? Yeah, too many and your month will go like that.

Leo – Prioritize your needs this month. Like your need for mimosas! It’s all about champagne dreams and not falling on your face. Especially in front of loved ones, who will laugh at you.

Virgo – God, you’re so hyper critical usually, so go ahead and temper that with a few (or more) vodka redbulls, like you like, and let someone else take the wheel.

Libra – Hey, hey, hey, lovely Libras! It’s your month, so go get your drink on with some White Claws or your favorite spiked seltzer. It’s fun and flirty, and makes everyone smile, just like you.

Scorpio – You’re remarkable. Remember that time you went to the bar with your bff and got so wasted that you had to carry them on your back because you’re a badass? Let them take care of you this month after a few local microbrews.

Sagittarius – You’re so bloody lucky, Sags. Maybe spread that luck around to your friends, perhaps an Aries (hint, hint, I’m looking at you, Alexis), and ply them with as many French 75s as you can.

Capricorn – Good god, loosen up with some nice red wine this month, preferably boxed. It’ll get you nice and tanked, and everyone around you will appreciate it.

Aquarius – This month sees you in an awkward position: Do you order another Sleepy Hollow or not? Life is hard for you. Just do it tho, trust me.

Pisces – You’re really into wine and friends this month, and I don’t blame you. Cozy up with them and some nice cheese wheels and life will be bliss.


Hillary Umland has long been a student of astrology, wine, and now hard seltzers. She is happy to help you commune with the stars and hold you up when you’re stumbling around in the beer garden looking for you drink.

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