The Jock: We’re actively searching for a leading bro probably named Chad or Brock to champion our young, horny, and all-white football team. We’re looking for a candidate to help us disrupt the industry, and fall in love with the main, goofy character and be dumped in the same moment once she realizes she is the one out of his league.
- At least 30 years old
- No prior sports experience required
- 3-5 years experience giving noogies, taking lunch money, and swirlies
- B.A. in Bad Acting required
- Unknowns with People’s Most Beautiful List potential recommended to audition
- Naturally curious for hooking up with girls under the bleachers
- Heartthrob status a plus
The Queen Bee: We’re searching for a beautiful, rich, thin, and manipulative girl who lashes out at others because of the lack of attention she receives from her workaholic father. A natural strategist, this candidate would optimize the best opportunity (the very end of the film) to reveal her said trauma to make the protagonist feel bad for them.
- Blonde hair and belly button ring required
- Must be a team player—you’ll be head cheerleader, so this is imperative
- Comfortable collaborating with your clique to make new girl Haley’s life a living hell
- Proof of Prom Queenship via sash required at casting call
- A Bachelor’s degree in being hot, or 5 years of bullying in lieu of a degree will be considered
Dead Mom: We are seeking an energetic and highly-motivated candidate tasked to portray the role of Dead Mom. Your role will be vital in order to take our comedy to a dramedy because our cheesy jokes are not funny enough for that.
- Alive a plus
- Comfortable with being referred to in the past tense and only appearing in flashback scenes, if at all
- Rigorous one-day photoshoot required to be photoshopped into all of the family photos
- The unknown excites you, especially the cause of your character’s death that might never even be disclosed
- Experience with Microsoft Excel a must
Ethnically Ambiguous Best Friend: We’re seeking an ethnically ambiguous best friend of the protagonist to be the moral support and to fill a quota, so we don’t get cancelled in a long Twitter thread.
- Prepared for a proposed spin-off of character that will fall through
- Flexible with being more beautiful than protagonist
- Experience having no real backstory
- A strong understanding of whatever race we assign you and the stereotypes attached to that
- MBA preferred
Way Too Caring English Teacher: We’re looking for a well-meaning, yet overbearing English teacher who is comfortable being a mentor to a protagonist providing unprompted advice on a situation they know nothing about.
- Too handsome to be a teacher
- Born with a birth defect that places pencil behind left ear
- Knows the perfect book to give to protagonist, and it’s The Catcher in the Rye
- Comfortable wearing vest
- Must be able to lift 25 lbs of emotional baggage
- Paul Rudd preferred
School Shooter: We’re casting a white teen to be a school shooter in a distasteful climax of the movie. It will be our uneducated take on gun control to throw our hat in the ring for awards season.
- Ability to work independently as lone wolf
- Must not possess social cues
- Can pull off straitjacket
- Comfortable with Great Clips haircut
- Familiar with looking weird while holding a gun
- Always seemed like a nice guy
Daniel Stillman & Emily Kapp are Chicago-based comedy writers. Their work has appeared in The Onion, McSweeney’s, Robot Butt, Little Old Lady and more. You can read more of Daniel’s work here and Emily’s work here. Follow Daniel on Twitter @stillmania and Emily @emilykapp_.