Dear Chris from my mycology class,
Thank you for reaching out! It’s been so long–almost a year?–and I appreciate you taking the time to think of me during this pandemic. There are only so many ways to stay busy during this time of social distancing, and only so many ways to stay social. I know people are getting lonely, and that is why it was so kind of you to take the initiative to see if I was lonely too.
However, I must admit that the way you went about it was quite startling. While I commend you for your braveness for sending me-quite unprompted- a photo of your penis, followed by several videos of you ripping a bong, I must also take this time to let you know how inappropriate that was. Here are some suggestions on sending lewd photos in the future.
1. Ask first!
Consent is everything! You know this, and I really shouldn’t have to remind you.
2. At least get hard first
I don’t know anyone who prefers flaccid dick pics, so please at least take the time to get hard before sending your photograph out. Sure, some individuals may prefer a soft picture, but again, that takes communication! Ask!
3. WTF was that pose
Sure, I’m impressed by your flexibility. But did I want to see your gooch, balls, and tiny shrunken dick? No! I didn’t want to see any of it, to be honest. If I had to rank them in order of preference for viewership, I would put your gooch last, your balls second, and your baby sized un-erect dick first. Also, has anyone ever found that inverse frog pose that you hit me with sexy? I find that hard to believe. But again, I really didn’t want to see any of it! I wish you had asked! I could have politely declined.
4. Think about our personal history
I would classify our relationship as “acquaintances at best” a year ago when we went to school together and took one class together. Maybe you got the wrong idea because we took mycology together, and many mushrooms are phallic in nature. What a jump though! I wish I never accepted your invitation to be friends on Snapchat, but even though this platform offers disappearing photos, it is no excuse you send me a photo of your small little baby sad tiny dick.
5. What you did was illegal!
Yes, unwanted photos of your private parts counts as sexual harassment. Never send them to me, or anyone else again. You are an adult, and you know better. Do better.
Abigail Costigan is a writer and comedian based in Burlington, VT. She performs stand up weekly and can be followed on Twitter @spicy_cupcak3.