Have you been affected by stay at home orders due to Covid-19? (If your roots are showing due to an inability to get your hair done, or the constant presence of your wife and kids is hurting your relationship with your sugar baby, then you qualify.)
Here at Fox News, we’d love to hear about how you’ve been dealing with the pandemic, and what a slap in the face it must feel like to realize that you don’t live in the home of the free and the brave, but some kind of Soviet shithole where you’re forced to wear a mask just to leave the house. We are especially interested in individuals with the following experiences or viewpoints:
People Willing to Talk Shit About China
Do you believe that China intentionally invented coronavirus in order to infect Americans? Isn’t it odd that ever since the outbreak, America has begun to feel more like living in China feels? If you have anything negative to say about China during this difficult time, please share with us. Fact checking not necessary.
Did you used to have a show where you gave people unsolicited medical advice? If yes, Fox News is looking to interview you! The only stipulation is that your advice must not have any scientific backing and must push for reopening the economy, especially the hospitality and golf industries. Don’t ask why.
Brave Beach Goers
The Beastie Boys may have said it first, but you’re out there on the front lines doing it–you gotta fight for your right to party! Tell us why you decided to go to a crowded beach in the middle of a pandemic, and please do it after the fact, over the phone, far from our reporters.
Men who Look Like a Shriveled Up Testicle That has Been Kept in a Mason Jar for 15 Years
Our viewers like to be able to imagine themselves up there on the big screen. You don’t even have to be a politician for this to apply, although that is our favorite combo. Obviously, if you’re a woman, this rule does not apply to you. Please go get your roots done.
Coronavirus Closures Protesters
We love to see hard working, freedom loving Americas out there fighting for their right to spread contagious diseases. If you really want to catch our eye, sport a Confederate flag, or an anti-Semitic poster. Don’t be caught looking like you can’t defend yourself; bring your biggest automatic weapon. Most importantly, remember to have fun!
Abigail Costigan is a writer and comedian based in Burlington, VT. She performs stand up weekly and can be followed on Twitter @spicy_cupcak3.