Flatulence is allowed in most states by law, but there is one place where farts are prohibited, where the squeak and squeal of a rectal tweet won’t go unnoticed—the yoga studio.
In the quiet confines of the yoga studio, pure air is necessary for proper meditation. At least once a day, the room is sprayed with essential oil to keep the smells of sweaty feet and pits under control.
Sure, there is an occasional belch in yoga—but colon bowling, butt yodeling, cutting cheese, tooting, air biscuits, baking brownies are outlawed in the hallowed halls of Hatha Yoga, and, in many cases PiYo.
At a recent Lompoc yoga class led by the great Lamu-Nabi Yanderburg, one woman accidentally let one slip, which resulted in a severe wind gust. Several students and their mats were blown to the other side of the studio.
Lamu-Nabi, uncomfortably snug in his black Speedos, informed the woman that her gas was a significant disruption and ordered her to pack-up her mat and leave the studio if she does it again. At which point, she let another one rip that rattled the windows of the bowling alley across the street.
When the assailant, Ms. Marbley, refused to leave the studio, several of the advanced students picked her up by the mat and very compassionately kicked her sacred Om to the curb.
In his thick Brooklyn accent, Lamu-Nabi said, “And make sure you take Beano next time you come to yoga. Farting breaks one’s Drishti, disrupts the asana, and it’s sure not good for the Kundalini.”
Ms. Marbley, who refers to herself as the rectal assassin, has refused to take Beano because of her religious affiliation and does not believe that farting should be banned due to its natural function in the animal kingdom.
In the sacred texts of Mula Bandha (sphincter lock), however, it is written that farting not only stinks up the joint but interferes with the crown chakra’s natural flow. If the chakra is disturbed in any way, it will be impossible to practice yoga effectively. The practice would then be null and void, and the third eye will develop astigmatism.
Mark Tulin is a recovered psychotherapist from California. Mark has two poetry books, Magical Yogis and Awkward Grace, available at Amazon. The Asthmatic Kid will be published in August of 2020. He’s been featured in smokebox, Friday Flash Fiction, Oddball Magazine, among others. He can be followed on Twitter @ Crow_writer.