Boy Band Brutalizes Fans

Outdoing Elvis and the Beatles, the guys of Why Don’t We (WDW) caused fans to do more than swoon and faint with their debut single “Lotus Inn.” 

Citing Justin Bieber as a musical influence, WDW’s “Lotus Inn” trended at #10 with over 489,000 views in just nine hours of the song’s premiere on December 7, 2020. The impact of their musical talent and stringent abs as channeled through this single was immediate and sometimes deadly.

Viewers reported acute respiratory and cardiac events along with freakish trauma while watching the video. 

Gi and De both suffered respiratory distress and needed CPR.  Unfortunately, in YouTube Land, likes are the equivalent of chest compressions, and since Gi had no likes and De had only one, they both died shortly after posting their comments.

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Mary also reported dying when she laid her eyes upon half-naked Jonah.  Despite this deadly shock to her system, she received 702 rounds of CPR and was successfully resuscitated.  

Unlike Gi and De, Mary was one of the lucky ones.  Not only did she live, but she got the likes she had always wanted.

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Unfortunately, wdw incurred multiple heart attacks during his viewing time. Likely due to crappy, high-deductible insurance, he stated he is unable to pay his bills.  I hope no one tells wdw that he is about to become one of the 530,000 Americans who file bankruptcy every year due to medical debt.   

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While most fans reported being head over heels about this video, one fan found her head at her heels with a spontaneous decapitation incident. Luckily, although her head was hanging by a thread, she didn’t leave other fans hanging.  Her fingers remained on the keyboard long enough for her to write and post her comment.

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Despite several entries by fans citing John 3:16 and the coming of Christ, one fan proclaimed himself the real savior.  SR prophesized healing for any listener, and with 397 likes and the preface of “True fact,” how could anyone doubt him? (Unless, of course, your name is Gi, De, or S.  RIP.) 

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When she is not cruising the comment section for ways to inject her dark humor, Ursula Saqui drinks tea, runs, and practices being a foodie. Find her everywhere at UrsulaSaqui.



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