It’s no secret NBA superstar James Harden wants out of Houston. Thus far, trading him for a “fair return” has proved elusive for the Rockets. In reality, with Harden’s desire to leave being a well-known fact, the Rockets have lost significant leverage in negotiating a reasonable exchange.
But lookie here, this is The Daily Drunk Mag! We are not bound by the yoke of reality!!
Below are three realistic trade proposals the Rockets should strongly consider:
- James Harden and a Future 1st Round Pick to the Fantastic Four in exchange for Reed Richards (Mister Fantastic)
Why the Rockets do it: Houston should have no issues throwing in a draft pick as sweetener for the wingspan god. Standing at 6’1” with a wingspan longer than a googolplex, Richards takes over point guard duties for the Rockets using his superior intellect to carve up defenses. I mean, this dude racked up multiple doctorates by age 14! Dissecting complex zone coverage schemes should be checkers for Dr. Richards.
Why the Fantastic Four do it: In return the Fantastic Four spice up their lineup with a needed infusion of personality. Not to be a jerk-o but the Fantastic Four are boring as fuck. Insert James Harden, who is far from boring. Win-win!
- James Harden to Abraham Lincoln High School in exchange for Jesus Shuttlesworth and Sip Rodgers
Why the Rockets do it: With Harden on the way out, Houston needs a superstar. More than anything, they need a player they can market the franchise around. Basketball Jesus has the requisite (North) Star power to get the job done. Sip Rodgers is a nice throw in at the 2-guard spot. Rodgers is severely undersized at 5’9” but he doesn’t lack for confidence.
Why Lincoln does it: As dynamic as Shuttlesworth is, he’s operating under the spell of one Lala Bonilla. If you overlook the fact that she’s cheating on him, the real issue is her insistence for him to sign with sleazy NBA agent Dom Pagnotti. Doing so could render Shuttlesworth ineligible to play at the amateur level, thus endangering Lincoln’s hopes of winning state. Conversely, Harden already has the bag – to the tune of $224,349,734 in career earnings per Spotrac – and besides that, he clearly doesn’t seem like the type to fall under the spell of any one lady.
- James Harden to the Istari Order in exchange for Radagast
Why the Rockets do it: While Radagast’s athleticism leaves much to be desired, he can summon animals. In Radagast, the Rockets would be inheriting his twelve Rhosgobel Rabbits who have speed and hops for days! If one can outrun a pack of Gundabad Wargs they can certainly beat any full court press the NBA could throw at them.
Why the Istari Order does it: Easy. James Harden joins Gandalf to form the most dynamic bearded duo in history. Two legendary beards teamed up on the same squad?? Sauron doesn’t stand a chance.
Where do you think James Harden will land? Let us know on Twitter
Prewitt Scott-Jackson writes prose poetry & small fiction. Prewitt prefers *short* walks on the beach because, and I quote, “It’s really hard to walk on sand.” Find more words & blarney from PSJ on the interweb super highway at allsalinitylost.com