If you’re unaware of the major catastrophes that have defined 2020 as what Queen Elizabeth referred to as her “anus horribilis” then you must have been an election contester. According to Time Magazine, every day Karens, and Aunt Becky, 2020 is the worst year in the history of the world.
Yet 2020 has been officially declared dead due to seven horrific events which pushed the year over the edge:
- Mr. Peanut passed away and later was reincarnated as a baby peanut.
- Unsolicited mystery seeds mailed from China arrived in homes around the country. Multiple reports in Calabasas, CA confirm that a local Armenian family sold theirs to a D.C. family for a 30% stake in “Boys ‘r Us,” their new right-wing social media and dating site for the young-at-heart.
- Gov. Cuomo’s nipples grew more prominent with each of his daily press briefings until the FCC canceled his program due to a violation of obscenity laws.
- Sarah Palin’s appearance on “The Masked Singer” revealed she had been hibernating in Alaska while working on her new rap career. Her performance of “Baby Got Back” earned her the votes to be the first contestant kicked off the program, but resulted in a one-record deal with Weird Al.
- Qantas Airlines offered a flight to nowhere and it sold out within minutes.
- Legendary movie critic Rex Reed was rushed to a hospital on New Year’s Day after gouging out both eyes at a movie theatre in Hell’s Kitchen during the closing credits of “Cats.” According to audience member, Gracie Mull, “Mr. Reed screamed and began stabbing his eyes with a nail file once he realized that it was Rebel Wilson playing the part of Jennyanydots.”
- Carol Baskin.
In one bright spot, Lindsay Lohan has been marooned on a deserted island and had no IMDB credits for the year.
Jeff Harvey lives in San Diego CA and is working on his first novel. His short stories haveappeared in Stone of Madness Press, Salmon Creek Journal, Literary Yard, and Flash Fiction Magazine.Find him on Twitter @JeffHarveySD.