Three Obituaries for Trends to Leave Behind in 2020

  1. Oat Milk

The oat milk craze has died off before really catching on. It is prepared by soaking oats in water and selling the runoff to crazed Americans looking for the next healthy food product. If this oat milk sounds yummy, then give it a try. But let me save you some time; it tastes like baby food. Advertisers are trying to sell this as an alternative to other milk (cow, almond, soy), all of which have both gratifying texture and taste. Oat milk doesn’t and adding it to coffee only ruins an expensive $5 latte. 

What finalized the death of oat milk occurred after the reigning Miss Arkansas wrote a poem about it for a literature class. It went viral after she read it for the talent portion of the Miss America pageant. Even Pope Francis quoted a portion of her poem during a recent Sunday sermon. Here it is for your reading pleasure:



Ode to a Wafer

I love the taste of oat milk

Quite a bunch

Yet I am careful to say this

Around my friends at lunch.

I love the smell of oat milk

Which my boyfriend Rafer

Says reminds him of

Communion wafers.

I love the feel of oat milk

While in my mouth

And it’s not very filling

For this gal from the south.

On a positive note, Rhonda Plunk from the Boise Testing Lab for Questionable Products compared oat milk to cow, almond, and soy. Her results clearly indicated oat milk has higher sugar and carb content over all other milks. Her tests further suggested that oat milk has a similar component to lactase enzyme, which could aid in the development of a revolutionary treatment for those who are lactose intolerant.

**

2. Cycling Shorts

COVID-19 has brought about a great deal of chaos in the world. Yet there have been a few unexpected benefits. An important one is the death of cycling shorts. Yes, those skin-tight spandex atrocities that fifty-year-old men pour themselves into before clocking a three-minute ride to Starbucks are officially dead.

They’re still fine for professional bikers as well as those guys with an ass like Christian Bale’s. Somehow during the Trump era (DJT thankfully never wore them in public) even the James Cordens of the world thought they could spend five-hundred on a biking outfit and have the appeal of one of the Avett Brothers.

You’ve probably witnessed these calamities as you come out of your local coffee shop on a Saturday morning. Ready to enjoy your double-shot-espresso, and you encounter a Kevin James look-alike bending over and attempting to warm up before biking home. And the worst is the front view as they’re preparing to get into the saddle. This is where you find out more about your neighbors that you ever needed to know.

For those of you still wearing these catastrophes and you ain’t got an ass that resembles Vernon Davis’s, then go back inside and change into some loose-fitting Nikes. If not certain, check with a gay neighbor; he’ll tell you the truth. You’ll feel better and the world will be a lovelier place.

**

3. Ivanka’s Hair

After enduring a fully body scan at the UN in order to attend a Mideast peacekeeping session with her husband, Ivanka learned her hair was on an international list of banned substances. UN officials required she surrender it before exiting the building. According to reports from other attendees, the White House didn’t return Ivanka’s calls.

Never one to miss out on a challenge to work with third world dictators, Jared located a manufacturing facility in North Korea to help out. He agreed to move Ivanka’s manufacturing of her new line of wrinkle remover, “This Tastes Like Jared’s Orgasm” to them in exchange for ample amounts of hair procured from their employees.

On another note, Jared and Ivanka announced they have received federal approval for a new product that enhances the ball-shaving experience. It will be offered as a couple’s spa treatment at Mar-a-Lago starting January 20, 2021. Please note that according to club rules, one couple member must be of the opposite sex.



Jeff Harvey lives in San Diego CA and is working on his first novel. His short stories haveappeared in Stone of Madness Press, Salmon Creek Journal, Literary Yard, and Flash Fiction Magazine.Find him on Twitter @JeffHarveySD.

Categories: Open Letters

Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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