*Not to be confused with ADHD, which was a hoax orchestrated by Big Pharma

Just Pay Attention

Sit still, watch what is happening, and listen to what is said. Don’t move your eyes or turn your head. Immediately shut down all thoughts you may have. Distraction is the Devil’s radio. Best to tune out. Once you actually try to pay attention, you’ll realize it’s not that difficult. Excuse me. Are you listening to what I just said? Really? Then what did I just say? You’d have known if you had been paying attention. You’re not even trying. Try harder. Harder. Just keep trying until you can pay attention like everyone else.

Just Write Shit Down

Buy Post-Its. That way, whenever you need to remember to do something, you can write it down. Writing things down prevents you from forgetting deadlines, missing birthdays, and forgetting to buy important things like Post-Its. What do you mean what happens if you lose your Post-It reminders? Why would you misplace something as important as your to-do list? That makes absolutely no sense. Who would do that kind of thing? Put the Post-Its where you keep important documents so that you won’t lose them. You don’t have a singular, organized place for important documents? Write “Create a place for important documents” on a Post-It.

Just Stop Being So Damn Lazy

Do the tasks written on the Post-Its. Speaking of Post-Its, where is your new spot for storing important things? You have no idea what I’m talking about? Have you not been paying attention? Read your damn Post-It. What do you mean you don’t have any Post-Its? You were at the store last night. How could you not remember to pick up the one thing that keeps you from forgetting things? Sounds like pure laziness. It’s time to turn off Netflix, put on pants, and go buy the damn Post-Its.

Just Finish What You Fucking Start

Don’t stop until you’ve completed every task on the Post-Its. Still, no Post-Its?! How in the hell did you spend $793.09 at Target and not get the one thing you were supposed to buy? Instead, you bought a set of Mr. Sketch scented markers. Wait. You bought markers? You were in the same aisle as the Post-Its! You were inches away from them. How could you not have seen them? A blind person wouldn’t have missed them. Oh! You did see them, but you couldn’t decide on which color to get. So, you used one of the scented markers to test out how they look on the different colored Post-Its. It just so happened to be the fruit punch marker. When the smell hit your nose, you thought about how you loved Hawaiian Punch as a kid and hadn’t had it in decades. So, you immediately head to the other side of the store to find fruit punch and forget about the Post-Its? What kind of person does that? You are maddening!

Just Get Your Shit Together, For Fuck’s Sake

Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you?! Do you have any idea how sick and tired I am of talking about Post-Its? Why can’t you just get your shit together like everyone else? You can’t remember things or pay attention. You’re impulsive and easily distracted. You never finish anything you start. THIS ISN’T NORMAL BEHAVIOR. I’m seriously beginning to wonder if there IS something wrong with you. It’s almost like the part of your brain responsible for executive functioning DOESN’T work right!

Lindsay Marie is a writer and improviser. She is currently in the improv program at Second City and Upright Citizens Brigade. You can find her on Twitter @LindsayMarieCom.