(Lights up on the entire Tanner family, including Kimmy Gibbler, standing in the kitchen.)
Danny: All right, gang. We’ve got streamers, we’ve got cake, we’ve got balloons. I think we’re all ready for Aunt Becky’s welcome home party!
Jesse: Hang on there, Danny. You’re forgetting the most important thing: music!
(Jesse uses a remote to activate the stereo; Elvis Presley’s “JailHouse Rock” begins playing).
Danny: Aw, Jess…you really do think of everything!
DJ: Here she comes! Everyone hide!
(The lights dim. Everyone ducks behind furniture as Aunt Becky opens the door.)
Becky: Hello? Is anyone home?
(Becky jumps backwards as she whips out a toothbrush whittled into a shiv.)
Becky: Christ, you scared me. Thank goodness it’s just you guys!
Stephanie (crosses arms): How rude!
Danny: Becky, we are so glad to have you home! Now things are finally back to normal.
Becky: Well, I don’t know if I’d say normal. Two months in the Big House can really change a person, ya know?
DJ: Hey Aunt Becky, what’s that on your wrist? Is that…a tattoo?
Becky: Yep, it sure is. Big Minty did it herself.
DJ: Oh Mylanta! You’re so hip! What does it say?
Becky: Jesse’s Girl.
Jesse (clutching hand to heart): Have mercy!
Stephanie: You must be so happy to be home, Aunt Becky! What do we do first? Maybe take a relaxing trip to Hawaii?
Becky: You know, all I really want right now is to get my life back on track. Get back into my routines, head off to work! I sure have missed co-hosting “Wake Up San Francisco” with you, Danny. Plus, I promised my cellmate Tammy Meatballs a job with the crew.
Danny: Er, about that. While you were away, I had a meeting with the studio head, and….
Becky: You know what? Don’t worry about it. At least I still have my contract with Hallmark.
(Everyone shifts uncomfortably.)
Oh god. Lifetime Movie Network? What about Netflix? Am I even still on this show?!
(No one answers. Becky starts to weep.)
This isn’t fair! First I lose my money, then my freedom, and now my contracts? Everything keeps disappearing!
Stephanie: Don’t cry, Aunt Becky. You haven’t lost everything.
DJ: Yeah! You still have us.
Becky: (sobs harder)
Jesse: That’s right. We’re still a family, babe. And now’s the time when we really need to stick together. Nothing is going to break up this team.
Kimmy: Except maybe your kids! They’re still refusing to speak to you! I read in TMZ that they’ve even blocked you on social media.
Jesse: Cool it, Gibbler!
Joey: Yeah, CUT. IT OUT! (breaks into signature Popeye chuckle)
Becky (sniffles): Listen, I know what I did was wrong. I thought I was acting out of love for my children, but in reality, it only undermined and diminished their abilities and accomplishments.
(Sentimental background music)
Becky: The truth is, Nicky and Alex didn’t need me to pad their resumes. Their masterful Elvis Presley impressions were more than enough to get them into any college they wanted. I should have had more faith in them.
Danny: Well, I think we all learned an important lesson today. Why don’t we bring it in for a Tanner family hug?
Michelle: I can’t take it anymore! I gotta have that cake!
(She leaps across the table, frantically shoving fistfuls of cake into her face. Everyone laughs.)
Lindsay Hameroff is a humor writer and satirist. She lives in Harrisburg, PA with her husband and two kids. Her work has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Frazzled, and more. In her spare time, she can be found reading, cooking, wrangling children, or fantasizing about making brisket for Harry Styles. You can find her on Twitter @LindsayHameroff.