As the new year begins, a lot of us are in the same position— trying to shed that winter weight and protect ourselves against fascist mob violence. Look no further.
- Celery
Don’t be fooled! This light, watery snack can still pack some calories, especially if you add peanut butter like I do 😉 Try taking your next stalk and splitting it in half; one part for eating, the other for cutting into inch-long slices to stick in between the fingers of your closed fist, à la Wolverine, which you can then swing menacingly in the face of insurrectionist vikings.
- Brisket
Have you ever chosen the wrong BBQ joint in Texas and then turned to your wife and said: “Deb, I could build a wall with this brisket!” Well now’s your chance! You’re going to want to severely undercook a dozen cows’ worth of this cut and then stack it high enough to protect yourself from automatic weapons. And if you get hungry while you’re hiding, help yourself to a few bites! But if you eat too much, you could poke holes in the exterior, exposing yourself to the armed seditionists— so this is a great time to practice portion control!
- Bagels
As much as I love these breakfast breads, they have as many cals as 5 slices of pizza! What I recommend is buying a baker’s dozen from Panera; choose your favorite one to eat— hold the cream cheese!— then let the rest sit out. Once they’re good and hard, pile them behind the brisket bunker; as the seditionists advance, throw one high in the air, and while they try to catch it, pelt them with a second! If it worked in dodgeball, it’s gotta work in civil war.
- Slim Jims
These salty sticks are great for a rest stop munch, but their high sodium content could turn you from a Slim Jim to a Weighty Jamie! If you have a box, I recommend eating one or two, unwrapping the rest, putting them into a horizontal bunch, and then tying them with strings to resemble live dynamite. Then you’re gonna throw this into the white supremacist mob; even once they realize it’s fake, it will buy you some time while they untie and eat the beef rods, which they will, because… I don’t know, it’s a hunch.
- Baguette, Nerds Rope, Sea Urchin
Baguettes? Carbohydrettes! Nerds Rope? I think nope! Sea Urchin? Well it’s healthy but too much work. So if you have these lying around your house and it’s surrounded by domestic terrorists, I recommend combining them into that medieval ball and chain thing! As for portion control, you can eat whatever breaks first. It’s a civil war, treat yourself.
Ramsey Daniels has a B.A. in English from Skidmore College. His work has been published in Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, Robot Butt, Little Old Lady Comedy, Humor Darling, Table Magazine, and Queen Mob’s Teahouse. He also performs stand-up comedy and has had the chance to open for national acts such as Shane Torres (Conan) and Chris Porter (Kimmel). He currently resides in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.