Ben Edsel, Neighbor. Since this jackass moved in to the neighborhood earlier this year, he has blasted Boston, Eagles and Journey at unacceptable levels thanks to outdoor speakers that provide our whole neighborhood with cheesy ‘70s rock. We learned he is a former bar owner and is one of these guys who thinks his life merits a soundtrack and spends a majority of the day driving an ATV up and down the street going nowhere, like his life. In July he pleaded guilty of planning to build a chicken coop. He still has five Trump campaign signs on his yard and a ten foot Trump Pence banner which faces my living room. He told me the election was rigged by Don Lemon.
Amber Branch, Ex-Girlfriend. We met on the co-ed tennis team in college and it was love at first sight (for me, anyway). About six months into dating, she started ghosting me. After countless phone messages and letters I finally heard back from Amber four years later in the form of a wedding invite. Recently I saw from her Facebook page she is no longer married and I feel it’s time to let bygones be bygones. I’ve grown and forgive all the lies and the obstruction of intimacy. I grant this pardon, Amber. The ball’s in your court, call me.
Gus McDermott, Mechanic. Brought in my car for brake pads and an inspection in April. “Couldn’t find any Mini brake pads at the junk-yard so I made your horn louder.” When I got home the driver’s side door would not open and had to climb over to the passenger side to get out. Gus claims it was a funny coincidence that the door mechanism broke sometime between the time I dropped off the car with him and the time I came home. That bill was $900, explaining the whole door needed replacing because the window was “jammed up good.” Before I left I checked under the hood but it wouldn’t open. Gus asserted the cable must have snapped. That’s when I snapped and reminded Gus he was the last to open the hood for the inspection. He quoted me $600 but couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t find something else that “needed fixin’.” I now drive an extra hour to the Mini dealership for the world’s most expensive free coffee. Initially I drove on 680 to avoid passing Gus’ garage, adding twenty minutes on the trip but now I drive right by him on Route 5 and sit on the horn every time I go by.
Evan Engram, New York Giants Wide Receiver. I am also granting a pardon to the All-Thumbs wide receiver of the New York football Giants for his six drops this season. Since his debut in 2017, the top-round draft pick has 21 dropped passes, the most by any tight end in the league. On October 22nd, Engram dropped a sure touchdown pass from quarterback Daniel Jones in the final two minutes of the game that probably cost the Giants a playoff berth this year. Reasons given include lingering injuries, lost of focus and lack of effort due to the pandemic and Russian interference.
Todd Andersen, Financial Planner. This year Todd proved to be a true liability and by all accounts, a lousy accountant, accountable for my current financial troubles. He was guilty of misuse of my savings and invested in companies like Shady Industries and Look the Other Way, Corp. I was initially coerced to hire Todd because of his impressive resume which included names like Michael Milken, Roger Stone and Rod Blagojevich but mostly because my cousin Wayne said Todd was making him rich hand over fist. This pardon, like most of the ones above, is more symbolic than anything and may not carry any weight for Todd’s upcoming criminal cases in April.
Bob Eckstein is a New York Times bestselling author and New Yorker cartoonist. He has two new books; All’s Fair in Love & War: The Ultimate Cartoon Book and The Elements of Stress and the Pursuit of Happy-ish in this Current Sh*tstorm. @BobEckstein