Jaden is an Ass Hat and Will Never Write You Back

Dear Jaden,

I know it’s been a while since we’ve spoken. Haha! You just left 1 minute and 30 seconds ago 😛.  Please forgive this email, but there are some things I need clarity on, relationship-wise. I would have discussed these with you in person, but you were pretty anxious to get home after we had sex. I’ve never seen anyone move so fast! Were you on fire? Haha! 

Anywho…I have listed questions for you to address. I have tried to be clear and concise because, as you often say, “I blather on with no point until you wish you were dead.” Haha!

Here goes nothin’!

*Why do I make ALL the plans? 

I understand that you’re not a ‘making plans’ kind of guy. Although, I was a tad confused when you made arrangements for you and 10 friends to go on that African safari. Imagine how painful it was for me to witness you coordinating vaccinations, arranging passport applications, photocopying your friend’s documents, and your 6 month Swahili course.  Meanwhile, I ask when I can see you again, and suddenly you’re speaking in tongues. That hurts, hon.

*Why are the hours between 5:00pm-1:00am off-limits?

Don’t get me wrong, I love our early morning meet-ups! Nothing warms my heart more when you call at 3:00am thinking about me and want to come over. But, it might be nice to go out to dinner too! I know you will reference that ONE TIME we went to dinner 3 months ago to prove me wrong. Yes, that was nice. However, I could have done without the ‘HELL NO!’ when the waitress asked if we wanted to wait for the chocolate lava cake, which takes 30 minutes to prepare. Ouch. 

*Who is Krissy, and why is she all over your Instagram? 

I know you say she’s just a friend, but I can’t help but feel there’s more to the story. And please don’t call me paranoid again. When you post, “Had an amazing time with my #1” and it isn’t me, a girl can grow suspicious. And no, I don’t buy she is your #1 business account. You wash dishes at Applebee’s. 

*Why do you pretend I’m your sister, Katherine, in public?

You say you are testing my improv skills (Thank you, they are rusty.) Still, something feels off. Given I know so little about her, this exercise proves incredibly challenging. It was very awkward at the grocery store when we ran into your friend and I innocently went to purchase bulk raisins. You swatted them out of my hand, screaming, “YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO THOSE, KATHERINE!!” I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but seriously that was over-the-top.  

*Why do you ALWAYS have a medical issue when I want to name our future children?

Things happen. I get it. It’s just so odd to me that you suddenly have a headache, gallbladder attack, or stroke every time I ask about the future. You’re a little older than me by a few years, so I guess that’s possible. It just makes me worry about what I’ll be like when I’m 28! I have stopped asking ‘future’ questions for your own safety, but please go get that physical.

*Why did you hide me in your bedroom closet for 48 hours when your family visited?

This was both mentally AND physically painful. You didn’t expect your family to arrive Sunday at 4:00am. Got it. But I have to believe there was a better solution than storing me away like a camping tent for 2 full days. Not only was it cold in there, but I was hungry and needed to go to the bathroom (sorry about your shoes, btw). I can’t help but think you could have concocted something to get them out of the apartment! Instead, I was forced to don your ‘Bikini Inspector’ jacket, eating raisins I found in my pocket. Meanwhile, you and your family played UNO and ate lasagna. Quick thinking with, ‘You can’t go in that closet. That’s where your Christmas presents are!’ It was April, but somehow how you pulled it off. 

Email me back when you get a chance…or right now. Haha! I’m just sitting in my apartment watching The Notebook and dreaming of you. 💕

Love you, sweetie, 

me



Irene Tassy is a humor writer who lives in Los Angeles, California. She has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy, Points in Case, Slackjaw and Robot Butt. Just recently she won Nicki’s Prize for Humor Writing sponsored by the Erma Bombeck Workshop. Irene started her career by performing and directing both sketch comedy and straight plays. She also performed stand-up comedy for a while which left many audiences thinking, “Huh…that was interesting.” Her hopes for the future include: continued health, world peace and someone to explain the movie Inception to her.

Categories: Fiction, Love & Relationships

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