Nine Eight Reasons Why Kim Cattrall Isn’t Returning to SATC

  1. Slapped three producers when she found out they hired Weird Al as her body double.
  2. Wouldn’t go along with the storyline that her character would move into a senior living facility on Long Island with 97-year-old Ed (from season two) and become his exclusive love interest. 
  3. Asked for the camera lens to be coated in Vaseline during her closeups. The producers agreed, but SJP thought it would lower their production standards and nixed the idea. As she told TV reporter Mario Lopez, “We want to show the gritty truth.”
  4. Dental implants have negatively impacted her legendary fellatio skills. 
  5. Demanded that either Bradley Cooper or Anderson Cooper be available to bathe her daily. Bradley never returned the producer’s calls. Anderson agreed, but couldn’t commit to every day since he already does this for Betty White and Whoopi Goldberg. 
  6. Producers wouldn’t agree to her demands that she get the pick of the litter of the “Boy Toys” hanging out on set because they already had a schedule of who does whom, and when.
  7. Jason Lewis who played Samantha’s lover, Smith, told everyone that the sushi scene from the SATC movie was her idea, not his, when the producers blamed it for the demise of the movie franchise.
  8. Suggested that while wearing Hammer pants, she rap the show’s new theme song, “Doo Wop (That Thing),” instead of Lauryn Hill.
  9. She gets too much fucking attention, and SJP hates it.

    Jeff Harvey lives in San Diego CA and is working on his first novel. His short stories have appeared in Stone of Madness Press, Salmon Creek Journal, Literary Yard, and Flash Fiction Magazine. Find him on Twitter @JeffHarveySD.

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