Attention fashion enthusiasts, the time is here: Steal! Bernie’s! Look! Grab a folding chair and take a seat. Wrap your arms around yourself because fashion is about self-love. The inauguration had a colorful arrangement of lewks across the rainbow spectrum because pride, probably. Representation. But everyone knows a certain Senator from Vermont stole the show in his grumpy haute couture. He gave off vibes of I’ve-got-places-to-be-and-sitting-in-the-cold-is-one-of-them-look-at-these-mittens as he, most likely, screamed into his phone. His voice can carry across a busy intersection quite clearly. But the choices he made while getting dressed on that day were absolutely enviable, and probably affordable.
Now it wouldn’t be very Social Democrat of you to go and feed the capitalist pig. No, no. Go get that pea green parka secondhand. I bet Bernie would give you the jacket right off his back and then you would really feel the Bern. The burn of a prewarmed jacket heated with the passion of equity. And it comes with a hood to block out all the haters. Haters gonna hate, but not with your new anonymous hood! Throw on your pea green parka and you’ll be turning heads like Regan in The Exorcist.
Classic black chinos. Need I say more?
But those mittens though! Are mittens better than gloves? Gloves create a divide between your fingers. Your poor fingers that have been around each other since you’ve been developing in-utero, and you really think they should be housed in separate fabric sleeves for warmth? That is just plain hatred. Your fingers have known each other since before you knew yourself. Keep them together. Don’t separate friends. Wrap your fingers in a warm vessel where there can be some skin-on-skin contact. An orgy in a mitten. Make your own mittens out of cat hair, because come on, he’s a total cat guy. Look at that cat guy face. He totally double taps cat memes on the Senate floor. His favorite poster is framed and mounted in his office. The kitten hanging from a tree branch that says, “Hang in there”. You know the one.
But it’s really about the attitude. You’ve got to sell the look. Sit there crossed off to the world as tight as you can get. Strike the pose you get when bae asks what you want to eat right after an argument you refuse to admit you were wrong about. Just sit there all like, “No, I’m not mad. I’m just cold. I’ll have a Crunchwrap Supreme, 2 Soft Shell Tacos NO lettuce, and a Baja Blast but for later. I’m not hungry right now because you’ve made me lose my appetite.” That’s the attitude that will catch everyone’s eye on the Gram.
Ryan Norman (he/him) is a queer writer from New York living in the Hudson Valley. Ryan enjoys swimming in mountain lakes and climbing tall things. He is a contributing editor of creative nonfiction with Barren Magazine. His work has appeared in From Whispers to Roars, XRAY Literary Magazine, Black Bough Poetry, Hobart, Maudlin House, and elsewhere. His micro chapbook I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A BOND GIRL is forthcoming with The Daily Drunk (2021). You can find him on Twitter @RyanMGNorman or ryanmgnorman.com