To My 140 Million Loyal Fans:
As you are all aware, I recently fell victim to what will undoubtedly go down in history as our nation’s greatest miscarriage of justice: the denial of a pardon by former President Donald Trump.
To be honest, I never saw it coming. I was so confident about my imminent release that I had the day planned down to a T: I booked a team of shirtless media interns, rented a super-stretch limo freshly infected with STDs, and even had a hairdresser armed with a Costco-sized bottle of bleach on standby.
So you can imagine my surprise when midnight rolled around, and I learned that my name was not included on the list of Trump’s 143 pardons.
At first, it didn’t make sense that Trump had overlooked me. After all, he and I have so much in common: unwarranted levels of self-confidence, an affinity for reality television, and most importantly, a deep and mutual appreciation for the McRib.
Naturally, I jumped to the likeliest conclusion: that tacky, leopard-clad harpy Carol Baskin had framed me again! Why, oh why, did my murder plot have to go awry?
But then, I saw the list of people Trump had pardoned. Kodak Black. Lil Wayne. STEVE BANNON. And suddenly, it clicked.
I am not only too innocent but also TOO DAMN SEXY to receive a pardon from Donald Trump.
That’s right: Trump refused to grant my pardon because of pure, unbridled jealousy. Sure, it seems like he has all the makings of a classic knock-out, with his clementine complexion, platinum locks, and delicate lady hands. But I have the one thing he knows he’ll never have: a luscious, macho ’stache.
I thought I mattered to Don when he first slid into my DMs. But it turned out he was only looking for tips on how to grow a broken goatee of his very own. I told him he could never pull off such a kickass piece of facial hair, and I suppose it was then that I sealed my fate.
Boy were we all stupid to believe he actually stood for justice! To be honest, I’m starting to believe he wasn’t ever fit to be president in the first place.
Why? Because Donald Trump is a bully. And like all bullies, he only feels good about himself when he’s surrounded by incompetent, less-attractive minions.
At the end of the day, my beauty is a threat to Donald. And that is why, like my fellow, flaxen-haired prisoner, Rapunzel, I am fated to spend my life in confinement.
Will I one day be rescued by a handsome prince with a hot bod, willing temperament, and crippling crystal meth addiction? One can only hope. In the meantime, I will continue to use my time in captivity to work on my music.
On that note, be sure to check out my newest single: “He Thinks My Jail Cell’s Sexy,” available now on iTunes!
Lindsay Hameroff is a humor writer and satirist. She lives in Harrisburg, PA with her husband and two kids. Her work has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Frazzled, and more. In her spare time, she can be found reading, cooking, wrangling children, or fantasizing about making brisket for Harry Styles. You can find her on Twitter @LindsayHameroff.