A Diary of a Writer Who Never Writes


My New Year’s resolution is to write the next Great American novel! Except I am a Canadian.


My biggest flaw as a writer is my inability to think of good ideas and write them down. 


They say ‘write what you know’ so my novel is about a girl who accomplishes absolutely nothing because she spends all day on Twitter


Apparently the less we write, the more valuable our writing becomes. This is why I never write anything. I’ve learned my role among writers is to be the writer who doesn’t write and makes everyone feel better when they don’t get into their favorite publication. 


Today Jen asked, “When exactly was the last time you wrote?” What a bitch.


My writing process involves reading about other people’s writing processes and then going to bed.


People say writing is rewriting. I find writing to be checking my tweets for likes.


Today Beth W. left my Facebook Writing Group. I’ve never seen something quite so dramatic. She kept announcing she was leaving but no one really knew who she was or why she was so upset.


If I write 1 page a day, in a thousand years I’ll have completed my novel.


I thought I wanted to write a brilliant novel. My new goal is to write an average paragraph.


I’m looking for a new hobby that doesn’t require discipline, perseverance, or sustained attention. 


I’ve decided to kill the main character off in my novel because I’m done with writing. 

Blayr Austin is a comedy writer and a teacher at The Second City. She created and teaches the class Writing Sadness Through Humor. Her work can be seen in The New York Times, Funny or Die and elsewhere. You can follow her on Twitter @UncommonBee

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