Bestowed by the CDC and presented earlier at a private ceremony at a Waffle House outside Atlanta with Pat Sajak hosting on Zoom, the the most prestigious pandemic award was bestowed on the following brave Americans.
Sara Felon for Best Baked Item Produced Without White Flour, Sugar, Eggs, or Butter: Lucky Charm Encrusted Quinoa Flour Truvia Breakfast Bombs.
Ed Scooter for Worst “Free Style” Baked Item: Chocolate Chip Alpo Clods.
Shahuna Gamatrapnaha for Best Fusion Meal Composed of Leftovers from Old (more than 3 days ) Take-Out: Kung Pao Curried Peanut Ranchero Dumplings Deluxe With White Gravy.
MaryAnne Wittlis for Fastest Family Meal Composed in Under Ten Minutes (Edible) : Beefaroni Tacos with Spanish Muesli.
Blanche Mahoney for Fastest Family Meal Composed in Under Ten Minutes (Inedible): Microwaved Rice Krispies with Alpo over Broiled Parsnips.
Starlight Dharma for Consistently Most Healthful Diet during a Ten-Day Quarantine: Samplings: Kefir coated yam balls, brussel sprout brownies, tofu banana tamales with kale, Acai berry sushi with garbanzos and string cheese, Mango Alpo Smoothies.
Edith Grick for Language Mastery Achieved in Lock-Down: Ms. Grick is now semi-fluent in both Urdu and Cherokee.
Marcus Kinsburgle tied with Ms. Grick for his speaking mastery of Hindi and complete fluency in Atinlay Igpay and dialect form Atlayintay Igpay.
Gary Sonderbilk for Most Musical Achievement: Home recorded all of the solo flugelhorn repertory on a 22-key, battery-operated Casio keyboard.
Gary Sonderbilk for Most “D” Batteries Used in One Week: over 87.
Clint Hamner for Largest Home Project Attempted (Incomplete):
Two-stall stable for mini-horses made entirely of popsicle sticks and Elmer’s.
Clint Hamner for Largest Home Project (Completed): Replumbing of home for lap pool in living room, koi pond in dining room, and 99-bottle ceiling-suspended wine rack in den.
Dirk Able for Most Ambitious Physical Fitness Goal Attained: Winner in 8.5 hours of the First Annual Dirk Able Indoor Quadrathlon (chair leaping, stair running, bed bouncing, doorway climbing).
Betty Mae Obeneatzen for Most Ambitious Physical Fitness Goal Not Attained: Attempted to put ten miles on her Fitbit pedometer in one day without leaving her 300 square foot apartment.
Casey Kildare for Most Interesting and Painful Self-Improvement Project: Studied surgical technique on mayoclinic.com, webmd.com, and YouTube before successful removal of his own appendix on his dining room table without assistance. Awarded posthumously.
Clarice Dost for Most Intellectual Pursuit: translating the Vedas into the clicks-and-whistles language of the indigenous people of the Brazilian rain forest.
Ed Gruber for Most Laudable Self-Improvement Project: Established his own, non-Zoom AA group and meets with himself every day at Happy Hour.
Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong. Her work has appeared on Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.