The Parents and their Child agree to enter into this Agreement concerning the disclosure of certain Confidential Information.
1. Definition of Confidential Information. “Confidential Information” is any information that would mortify the Parents if it were leaked to teachers, grandparents, or any other adults.
Confidential Information includes but is not limited to:
- Anything Mom says about the teacher
- Anything Mom says about other kids’ moms
- Anything Mom says about Grandma
- Statements regarding Mom’s boob falling out of her bathing suit at Great Wolf Lodge
- Information regarding Dad’s tendency to turn his underwear inside out and re-wear it
- Testimony on that incident with the baby eating the dog food
- Claims that Mom bleaches her mustache
- Charges that sometimes when Mom is stressed she lets the kids eat ketchup for dinner
- Allegations that Dad is teaching the kids some kind of “super kung fu” based on a series of questionable YouTube videos
- Accusations that Dad once drank a beer at 10 a.m.
- Statements regarding Dad peeing on the pool deck at Great Wolf Lodge, as he has explained a hundred times that it wasn’t PEE, it was WATER dripping from his swimsuit
- Reports that Mom accidentally steals from Target “all the time”
- Statements regarding Dad getting pulled over for going 10 miles over the speed limit on the way home from Great Wolf Lodge
- Really, any and all indictments about the Great Wolf Lodge trip
2. Breaches of Agreement. If Confidential Information is transmitted orally, the Parent reserves the right to insist “Oh, that was just a dream he had!” or “Haha! I don’t know WHAT she’s talking about—she’s not very smart.”
If Confidential Information is transmitted visually, e.g. the Child bursts into the bathroom with his live Google Class meet while Parent is on the toilet, the Parent reserves the right to uproot the child and move to a different state, province, or country and cut off any ties with their previous life.
3. Exclusions from Confidential Information. The Child’s obligations do not extend to information that is:
(a) publicly known at the time of disclosure, such as the fact that Mom doesn’t even bother to get dressed before noon and is frequently seen in public wearing Dad’s sweatpants and an old ‘NSync t-shirt.
(b) disclosed by the Child with the Parent’s prior approval, like when Mom is having a really good hair day and takes the perfect selfie and the Child “takes her phone and accidentally posts it to Instagram.”
The non disclosure provisions of this Agreement shall survive the entirety of childhood, or at least until the Child learns some tact and discretion.
The undersigned agrees to these terms and conditions:
Kristen Mulrooney is a humor and satire writer. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, The Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, and House Beautiful, among others, and she is a managing editor of The Belladonna. She has too many kids. Follow her on Twitter @missmulrooney.