Excerpts from the Diary of Ana de Armas’ Cardboard Cutout

After a nearly year-long, heavily paparazzi-documented romance, Ben Affleck and Knives Out actress Ana de Armas have split, People reported yesterday. And if that story seemed at all iffy given its unnamed source, a tweet from the Ana de Armas stan account @armasupdates made it clear: In two images, a masked person—whom the account has presumed to be Casey Affleck—places a cardboard cutout of a smiling Ana de Armas in a black plastic trash bin.Vice.com, 1/19/21

I have arrived! After being generated in an oversized FedEx copier, I was delivered into the waiting arms of Ben Affleck’s kids and my 3-D doppelganger, Ana de Armas. For our first adventure, the gang drove me to their mansion and put me out on the front lawn as a prank. What a hoot! 

Things have been pretty boring around here since last week’s lawn prank. After having their fun, Ben’s kids carried me inside the house and then shoved me behind the living room sofa, where I’ve resided ever since. This can’t possibly be all that I am destined for…can it? I must say, living with celebrities is not nearly as thrilling as I thought it would be. 

I’m beginning to notice Ben dedicates an inordinate amount of time to Dunkin’ runs. Twice a day, he bursts through the front door, struggling to balance three boxes of donuts and a tray of iced coffees. Half the time, he drops the entire order on the floor and then implodes like a chubby version of the Hulk. Poor, sad Ben. When will he realize DD will never offer him an endorsement deal, no matter how many munchkins he consumes?

With each passing day, I grow increasingly restless. To quell the boredom, I’ve started brainstorming new ways to wreak havoc on Ben Affleck’s life. Yesterday I logged onto his Amazon account and ordered half a dozen Tungsten cubes and a case of glass marbles. I can’t wait until he tries to pick up all those unexpectedly heavy packages! The paparazzi are going to have a field day.

Ben spent all day in his usual position, sprawled on the couch and watching Good Will Hunting. Oh, how I wish he’d choose another movie for a change! But if there’s one thing I’ve learned about Ben, it’s that he’s happiest when reliving his glory days. “You’ve made it, Boston Ben,” I heard him sigh at one point, while taking a long drag from his vape pen. “You’ve made it.”

I’m exhausted today. I suppose my fatigue is understandable, given the events of last night. Ben was having one of his crying jags after Googling the phrase, “Was Ben Affleck Really the Worst Batman Ever?” and there was nothing anyone could do to soothe him. After thirty minutes of unsuccessful consoling, Ana grew weary. She snuck me into their bedroom and used me as her replacement, while she crept out to watch Bridgerton in the pool house.

Today’s mid-morning nap was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. Who could that be? I wondered. Then I remembered: it’s Friday, which meant Jen Garner had arrived to do Ben’s laundry. “Oh, Jen, you’re the best,” I heard Ben tell her, when she confirmed she’d gotten the Boston cream stain out of his favorite Havana print shirt. “Divorcing you was the biggest mistake of my life.” “Bless your heart, Ben,” was Jen’s curt reply. I chortled with amusement.

Something weird happened tonight. Casey came over for a bros’ night of beer and Minecraft, and ended up getting pretty wasted on Sam Adams Winter Lager. When Ben left the room to grab another six-pack, he took me in his arms and confessed his feelings for me. It wasn’t until he leaned in for a kiss that he realized I was not Ana at all, but just the cardboard likeness of his true heart’s desire. Awkward!

Casey returned this evening, and you could have cut the tension between us with a knife. “You ever gonna get rid of that cardboard cutout behind your couch?” I heard him ask Ben at one point. “She kind of gives me the creeps.” “Eh, she’s not bothering anyone,” Ben replied. “But I’ll tell you what: if Ana and I ever break up, you can definitely be the one to trash her.” HA! Like that would ever happen. 😉

Lindsay Hameroff is a humor writer and satirist. She lives in Harrisburg, PA with her husband and two kids. Her work has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Frazzled, and more. In her spare time, she can be found reading, cooking, wrangling children, or fantasizing about making brisket for Harry Styles. You can find her on Twitter @LindsayHameroff.

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