I’m Gonna Jalapeño Pop-Off if Someone Asks Me who my Favorite Football Team Is

The best part of Super Bowl LV is that you don’t have to share jalapeño poppers with anybody. Can I get a “Hell Yeah!” on 3? And, go. Alright. Next time, everybody. I don’t know about everyone else, but I’ll be spending my time tailgating in my parking lot, alone, next to the laundromat and that yelpy dog. Just me, my winter coat, some craft beer, and a bag of Doritos. I won’t be watching the game. But I guess you want to know what to wear.

Wear your favorite team jersey! And since no one will be around to see this year, you can even wear a Giants jersey. That was a burn. But if you’re going to represent any team, maybe go with the Bucaneers that way you can dress up like a pirate. It can be like Halloween and football mixed together, but you just get drunk in the middle of the day. That doesn’t sound much different than any other day for the past year, honestly.

I know I already claimed the best part of this year’s Super Bowl is that you get all the jalapeño poppers, and the best, best part is that you can get drunk in the middle of the day, but the real best part is that you can wear sweatpants and a hoodie in the privacy of your own home. You don’t have to go to anyone’s dumb party and pretend to like their games and their football stadium snack centerpiece. In fact, turn your hoodie around and dump a box of Cheez-Its into the hood and you’ve got a football stadium of snacks directly in front of your face. Go wild. Remember that game from when you were a kid, and you would fold paper and try to flick it between the “field posts” that were your teammate’s fingers? Do that. But with cheesy crackers and your mouth. 

By the time The Weeknd performs, you won’t be able to feel your toes, knees, head, or your face. Dress responsibly. Eat cheese.

And always wear socks. Have some class.

Ryan Norman (he/him) is a queer writer from New York living in the Hudson Valley. Ryan enjoys swimming in mountain lakes and climbing tall things. He is a contributing editor of creative nonfiction with Barren Magazine. His work has appeared in From Whispers to Roars, XRAY Literary Magazine, Black Bough Poetry, Hobart, Maudlin House, and elsewhere. His micro chapbook I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A BOND GIRL is forthcoming with The Daily Drunk (2021). You can find him on Twitter @RyanMGNorman or ryanmgnorman.com

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