I’m Your Forgotten Bitcoin Password, and You Have Five Chances To Remember Me Before I Lock You Out Of Your Account Forever

Hello, it’s me, your Bitcoin password. So you forgot me. Figures. Everyone forgot about Bitcoin. Well looks who’s laughing now?

You bought me years ago when Bitcoin was just a funny buzzword, a weird thing guys who live in their parents basement were posting about on Reddit. Who’d have thought I’d end up here? One of me is worth over $40,000 dollars. And you bought one thousand coins of me in early 2013, when I was a wee little cryptocurrency, priced for only $15 a coin. Do the math.

So suddenly, you’re watching the news and you realize the price of Bitcoin has skyrocketed. You log onto Yahoo Mail, dig through some old emails, and bam! There it is. The link to log into your Bitcoin account. But wait, you forgot. Something incredibly crucial. The one thing standing in the way between you and your fortune. Me, your password.

So I’m giving you five chances to remember me before I lock you out of your account, and by extension $40 million dollars, forever. 

A few tips from a pro here: I’d start with your childhood dog’s name, Mitsy or Bubblegum or whatever stupid name you gave it when you were five. Best to add your favorite number and an exclamation point at the end for good measure.

Remember, you only have five chances, so you better play nice or I take it all away. No do-overs, no “try again in 24 hours”, no resetting by sending a link to your email and confirming everything with a code sent to your phone. That’s it. You’ll be locked out of Bitcoin forever, unless you can remember me.

Dog’s name didn’t work? Try your ex’s name, who you’re still obsessed with even though you broke up sophomore year of college. If I were to take a crack, I’d go “KELSEYTAKEMEBACK” for this attempt. But hey, what do I know? I’m just your dumb password.

Five chances is all I’m giving you, and honestly, it’s five more chances than you deserve. You thought you could forget me? You thought you could just leave me, all alone, for eight years, and I’d come crawling back to you the moment you wanted to cash me out? Shame on you. That’s no way to treat something so valuable and precious! 

Nada from the ex? Maybe you made a joke password, like “B00Bz” or “RippingBudsAllDay” or something immature and grotesque. Pick a word or phrase, add zeroes where there would be Os and a number that symbolizes a sex position and try that.

I know my worth, and I can do a lot better than some middle-aged loser like you. If you forget me, if you lock yourself out like I know you’ll do, I’ll move on just like that. I’ll go back to the market and they’ll sell me tomorrow to the first person that comes along who can afford me. And since I’m valued at a much higher price than when you came around, maybe then I’ll be treated with the respect I deserve.

Joke password didn’t work? That means you only have two attempts left. Want to try again? 

Come on, I know you want to. 

No? Fine. See you in eight years when you get the balls to try again. I’ll be waiting.

Amy Currul is a humor writer in Brooklyn, New York. She tackles subjects such as menstruation, food, and the ridiculous behaviors white women in Brooklyn have deemed acceptable. Her work has appeared on Weekly Humorist, Little Old Lady Comedy and Robot Butt, which is a miracle because she enjoys watching Grey’s Anatomy much more than she does writing. She has studied satire and sketch writing at The Second City. Twitter: @amycurrul

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *