I sent out a tweet with an image of Paddington and Anton Chrigurh superimposed together found on a popular movie logging site. A simple retweet saw the tweet go mildly viral and I realised this is the movie that people want. My brain went into overthinking mode and I’ve come up with a loose synopsis for Paddington 3, where our hero encounters his toughest adversary yet.

Following on from Paddington 2, the prison thrives, but continues to require Paddington’s marmalade recipe for the coveted marmalade sandwiches. Paddington being an amiable sort complies and hands off a copy of his recipe to Warden Walker. Soon, though, sandwiches are being smuggled out and corporate spies begin to attempt to enter the prison kitchen seeking the true gold of the recipe. Those who served with our eponymous bear are fiercely protective of the recipe and take out any spies they encounter.

On the other end of the scale, they are more than happy to parse off whole crates of marmalade sandwiches to Knuckles McGinty and his gang knowing the part he played in saving the bear’s life. The disappearance of the sandwiches nearly sets off a riot in the prison before Phoenix Buchanan bursts into song bringing a much needed and welcomed distraction to the prisoners and guards.

Knuckles sets up a deal to offload the sandwiches, unwittingly agreeing to sell them to a corporate entity wishing to recreate and profit from Paddington’s good name. Phibs is gunned down as the deal goes wrong, a third party intercepting the sandwiches and whisking them away.

Anton Chigurh is recruited by the corporation looking to get hold of the sandwiches. They don’t believe that Knuckles would’ve allowed himself to be ripped off like that. Knuckles goes to the toughest creature he knows for help. Paddington Bear.

Chigurh arrives in Windsor Gardens as he has struck out in looking for Knuckles and looks to go to the source of the sandwiches. Does he still want to deliver them to the corporation or look to sell them off himself and leave his harsh life of killing behind? MIss Kitts, the newsagent is the first to be questioned and survives her coin toss. Mr. Curry, the leader of the neighbourhood watch, confronts the new stranger and doesn’t live to tell of his encounter.

Anton sees an old bear entering 32 Windsor Gardens and knows his next destination. He enters using his famous shotgun technique on the lock. Mr. Brown is given no option of a coin toss and is quickly disposed of. Mrs. Brown is asked to “call it”. Cut to Anton leaving with Aunt Lucy over his shoulder and dumping her in the trunk of his car.

Chigurh wants the bear to come to him. Sick of chasing what he wants. Paddington searches London with the help of Mr. Barnes and his bin lorry. Chigurh leaves items of Aunt Lucy’s in bins around the city baiting Paddington. Tiring of his game, he dumps the hat with a note on where and when to meet, with a caseload of marmalade sandwiches required for his Aunt to be released.

They meet at Highgate Cemetery with Chigurh intent on adding to the number of bodies there. He is confronted by Paddington asking after Aunt Lucy, who is not in sight. “The suitcase,” says Chigurh. Paddington tosses to Chigurh’s feet. Chigurh looks back at the bear with pure insolence in his eyes, “call it”. Paddington’s face hardens and he stares long and terribly into the soul of the psychopath. Chigurh feels a quiver run through his body. He cannot hold the stare and rears back as though struck, dropping his coin. “That’s called a hard stare, Mr. Chigurh, My Aunt Lucy taught me that and I would be most obliged if you could return her this instant.”

We cut to Aunt Lucy sitting at a table outdoors. The camera pans back and a food truck comes into view. “Chigurh-y Treats” is emblazoned in red letters on the front and side. Anton has been inspired by Paddington’s baking and marmalade making and looks to improve his own skills in this arena and profit off something that isn’t killing. Paddington is philosophical about the death of Mr. Brown and has managed to stop Mrs. Brown seeking vengeance for the time being.

To finish we cut to Tommy Lee Jones’ Sheriff struggling to comprehend his latest dream about a small talking bear and a valuable batch of marmalade sandwiches.

Scott Cumming enjoys reading too much to consider himself a proper writer. He resides in Aberdeen with his partner and two sons. Catch up with all his misdemeanours on Twitter @tummidge

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