From: ManlyMensGroomingMonthly@MansStuff.com
Sent: March 2, 2021
Subject: “My Battle with My Recurring Nose Pimple” by Zach Cod-Pimple (GROOMING SUBMISSION)
Hi Zach,
I’m sorry. This didn’t reel me in enough.
Good luck placing it elsewhere!
Best,
Neptune Fillet
EIC
From: Cod-Pimple@BooHoo.com
Sent: March 4, 2021
To: ManlyMensGroomingMonthly@MansStuff.com
Subject: “My Battle with My Recurring Nose Pimple” by Zach Cod-Pimple (GROOMING SUBMISSION)
Dear Mr. Neptune Fillet,
According to one website, you are “a collector of small, unidentifiable yet vaguely fish-related objets d’art.” According to another, you are “a lover of Basque sardines draped over buttered toast like Mr. Fillet’s favorite Basque boy toy, Shrimp, draped over his bed!” Which might help explain, your curious rejection.
ANYHOO… I’m sorry that my insightful essay, nay, meditation: “My Battle with My Recurring Nose Pimple” didn’t reel you in enough. I sense irritation here. Do you perchance have pimples? Additionally, reel could mean all manner of thing from fishing equipment to a dangerous, often vertigo-inducing dance of Scottish origin that has sent many a drunken Scotsman careening into a loch. Moreover, if I prefix “in enough” with “not,” I’m picking up a misplaced sexual innuendo, which is scarcely fitting for someone of your “apparent” breeding.
On a positive note, it may simply mean you want me to submit more (to which I respond, THANK YOU!). I have a piece called “Using Hot Wax on My Boils” that I think you’d enjoy!
Yet, far be it for me to attempt any deconstruction of your splendid, effectual, obviously well thought out rejection letter. Therefore, for the sake of clarity (and to avoid any further mention of impropriety, sir!), let’s go with fishing, which, to confuse the issue, could also be a metaphor for something else—as in “fishing for compliments.” Was this your intent? In which case, allow me to say how MANLY you probably are. Whether with, or without, pimples.
Or perhaps you own a fish? I’m sure you must, given the “aquatic” analogy. Much easier, I should think, owning a fish, as opposed to, say, a dog. You don’t have to walk it, or pick up its poop from neighbors’ front lawns, or city sidewalks. Sadly, this leads me to conclude, that you’re a lazy fish owner, somewhat plump around the middle, and not as manly, as you profess.
Or maybe you simply like fishing? Being a compassionate minority in “a sea” of squalid flesh-eaters—I’ve never been “hooked” on the idea myself. Impaling wiggling little creatures onto sharp bait hooks; then sitting for hour-upon-back-breaking-hour, occasionally venturing forth into icy, bladder-chilling water, in an often futile attempt to catch dinner. And afterward, should the enterprise have been successful, perform the messy, but MANLY, gutting process. Resulting in stinky, slimy, blood-strewn hands that no-one in their right mind would want to shake, or lick (depending on the proclivities of one’s associates!), even after washing.
Nevertheless, if you’re a sardine-loving, pimply, sex-obsessed, drunken, kilted, Scottish dancing, vain, lazy, fish-owning fisherman-come-editor with stinky hands, dubious friends, and a Basque boy toy named “Shrimp,” that’s your business. And to prove I don’t hold anything against you for the rejection, here’s Grandpa Code-Pimple’s fishing tip:
One of the easiest fish to catch is a catfish. However, if you happen to be standing waist-deep in water at the time and in need of relief, don’t use the “land-rule” of unzipping your flies. A catfish can be a VERY LARGE, cunning opportunist, always in search of a tasty treat. When offered a measly, dying worm appetizer, attached to a hook, versus a fresher, GENERALLY LARGER specimen, greed wins out. Its razor-sharp dorsal and pectoral fins, sticking out spine-like in defense, can inflict severe puncture wounds. While its strong jaws and sucking mouth, like a mini vacuum cleaner, can expand around its prey. Giving a whole new meaning to the term “Blow Job.”
Should this occur, Grandpa offers no further advice, save to fire off a distress flare.
Yours in fishing,
Zach Cod-Pimple
From: ManlyMensGroomingMonthly@MansStuff.com
Sent: March 14, 2021
Subject: “My Battle with My Recurring Nose Pimple” by Zach Cod-Pimple (GROOMING SUBMISSION)
Hi Zach,
You’ve obviously been in lockdown too long. Please seek help!
Best,
Neptune Fillet
EIC
Ronia Smits is an Anglo-American writer, artist and cat guardian who grew up in England, the Middle East and Africa. Their humor and salty satire have appeared in The Yellow Ham, Defenestration, Robot Butt, Points in Case and Little Old Lady Comedy. Ronia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with their husband Professor Brovnik (and other wildlife!).