Transcript from GSN’s New Show: Name That Royal

OPRAH

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Name That Royal! I’m your host, Oprah Winfrey, interviewer extraordinaire and the only person currently fit to head the British monarchy. On this show, three contestants will face off to see who can correctly identify famous quotes spoken by members of the royal family. Let’s bring out our contestants!

(Audience applauds)

Our first contestant is author and British historian Dr. Nicola Tallis. Dr. Tallis, say hello to our audience! 

DR. TALLIS

Hi everyone! It’s great to be here. 

OPRAH

Next up, we have E! News Chief News Correspondent and Royal Expert Melanie Bromley. Welcome Melanie!

MELANIE

Hullo!

OPRAH

Finally, let’s welcome Bradley, a furloughed IT specialist who recently became a British monarchy savant after bingeing every show about the royal family on Netflix.

BRADLEY

What’s up, everyone? I’m an expert on these royals. Seriously, ask me anything.

OPRAH

Okay, contestants. Let’s get started. Here’s how the game works: when I read a quote, you write down the speaker on the keypad in front of you and then hit the buzzer. The first contestant to answer correctly gets the points. Ready?

(everyone nods)

Dr. Tallis, you get to pick the first category.

DR. TALLIS

I’ll take “Inspirational Quotes” for $300.

OPRAH

Which member of the royal family said, “When the world seems hard, the courageous do not lie down and accept defeat?”

(Melanie hits the buzzer)

MELANIE

I believe this was Queen Elizabeth.

OPRAH

That is correct! England’s queen continues to be an inspiration to us all.

(Audience applauds)

OPRAH

Your pick, Melanie.

MELANIE

I’ll take “Heroes Among Us” for $200. 

OPRAH

This royal shared the sentiment, “You’ve got to give something back. You can’t just sit there.” 

(Dr. Tallis hits the buzzer)

DR. TALLIS

A great quote from a young Prince Harry!

OPRAH

Correct! Wow, there really is nothing like a positive affirmation, am I right, folks?

(Audience applauds)

OPRAH

Dr. Tallis, you’re up!

DR. TALLIS

Let’s do “Cheeky Quips” for $400.

OPRAH

This royal has been quoted as saying, “Kate’s cooking is the reason I’m so skinny.”

(Melanie hits the buzzer)

MELANIE

This sentence was uttered by Prince William.  Oh, Wills! What a charmer. 

OPRAH

(clears throat)

Um…sure.

MELANIE

I’ll take “Cheeky Quips” for $500. 

OPRAH

This royal once said, “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” Um…what?

(Bradley buzzes.)

BRADLEY

Prince Charles definitely said that. Like, who else could it be? He was such a douche to Diana on The Crown.

OPRAH

I’m afraid that is incorrect, Bradley…although I do share your sentiments. Dr. Tallis, what have you written?

DR. TALLIS

This, erm…“very funny” sentiment was expressed by Prince Philip. 

OPRAH

Unfortunately, that is correct. Your pick, Dr. Tallis.

DR. TALLIS

I’ll take, “He Said What?” for $200.

OPRAH

This royal once said, “I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.” Seriously, are these quotes for real?

(Bradley buzzes.)

BRADLEY

I know this one! It’s Prince Cyrus Henstridge.

OPRAH

I’m sorry Bradley, that is incorrect. Particularly since Cyrus Henstridge isn’t even a real member of the monarchy, just a character from the T.V. show The Royals

BRADLEY

(grumbles inaudibly)

OPRAH

Help us out, Melanie.

MELANIE

I’m afraid that, once again, this quote is attributed to Prince Phillip. 

OPRAH

That is, sadly, correct. Well…this has all been very disheartening, to say the least. Anyway, it’s time for our Daily Double. Hopefully, this final question will turn things around a bit. 

(clears throat)

This member of the royal family once questioned what Meghan and Harry’s unborn child would look like, specifically wondering how dark the child’s skin would be. Wait…whaaaat?

(All contestants shift uncomfortably.)

Who…who is having that conversation? I mean…what?! 

(Bradley buzzes.)

BRADLEY

If this game has taught me anything, it’s that it had to be Prince Phillip.

OPRAH

A logical deduction, Bradley, but I’m afraid not!

BRADLEY

Can you give us a clue?

OPRAH

Harry confirmed the speaker was not his grandmother nor his grandfather. 

DR. TALLIS

Hmm. It must have been Charles. We know their relationship is fractured. Harry did say his father cut them off financially and stopped taking his calls. 

MELANIE

True. But we also know there’s a rift between Harry and William. And Harry did say he wouldn’t reveal the speaker because it would be very damaging to their reputation, which sort of points to his brother. 

(They all look at Oprah.)

BRADLEY

You know who it is, don’t you?

OPRAH

Of course I know. I am Oprah.

DR. TALLIS

Please, just tell us!

MELANIE

Seriously! We are all dying to know.

OPRAH

Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today, folks. Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of…

AUDIENCE

Name That Royal!



Lindsay Hameroff is a humor writer and satirist. She lives in Harrisburg, PA with her husband and two kids. Her work has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Frazzled, and more. In her spare time, she can be found reading, cooking, wrangling children, or fantasizing about making brisket for Harry Styles. You can find her on Twitter @LindsayHameroff.

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