Save the Date! Just kidding, you are actually not invited to my ill-timed COVID wedding

Save the date!

Reaching out to share the news that Dave and I have decided to make it official and get hitched! Having met online and survived COVID and multiple lockdowns, I am pleased that Dave “masked” for my hand in marriage. I said “yes!”

Please save August 14th 2021, for a celebration of our love!

Getting married (and planning a wedding) during lockdown presents unique challenges. But Dave and I feel that “love conquers all,” and that with creativity and optimism we will get through the pandemic to host a party for the ages!

With that in mind, please read the following so you are informed as to what our 2021 wedding will look like!

1). Time Commitment:

Rather than “Save the Date,” our invite should more accurately read “Save the Dates.” Given the current restrictions around travel, guests will be required to isolate in a government approved “Quarantine Hotel” for two weeks before the wedding. Pack well! Depending on the location to where you are returning, a mandatory two-week self-isolation period may be enforced upon your return home. All told, this makes our celebration—counting the Friday “out-of-town-dinner,” Saturday service/party and Sunday brunch festivities—just slightly over a month-long event. Dave and I have talked this over and neither of us feel that this is unreasonable or too much of a commitment in honor of our special union.

2). Dress:

After 18-months of stretchy pants, magenta Crocs and, for Dave, regrettable and ill-conceived facial hair, we have decided our wedding will be a formal affair. Think Zelda and F. Scott in matching niceties! As such, be on the lookout for an update about wedding party colors that visually represent the vibrancy of our love, while matching the available fabric swatches that my friend Shoshana has in stock for her “pandemic pivot” side-hustle Etsy-based COVID business “Go Mask Alice.” I am pleased that her home based company will be our designated mask supplier—she has been so patient with me while I’ve gone back and forth about exactly which Rumi quote I want embroidered into the mask fabric—and I promise that you will have advance notice in order to color coordinate the masks with your dresses, cummerbunds, and, for the ocularly challenged germaphobes, Stoggles.

3). Music:

I love to sing! Who can forget that memorable night in 2019 when I insisted on belting out “Sweet Caroline” five additional times—a “Sharky’s Pub” record I was told by the busboy who waited patiently following his 14-hour shift to lock up so I could have just one more kick at that old chestnut! At any rate, there will be no congressional singing allowed during our ceremony. Recorded music will be used instead. However, as wedding guests are notorious for leaning closer to one another and talking more loudly while music is played, DJ Dan, “The Masked MC,” will set the volume somewhere between “off” and inaudible so as not to risk further virus spread.  

4). Microphones or “BYOAE”:

At the ceremony, guests will read from a variety of texts specifically chosen to celebrate our love, while simultaneously deconstructing society’s hegemonic understanding of what defines a “perfect union” and problematizing the shackling institution of marriage. Unfortunately, Ryan (audio technician who, although stationed behind plexiglass is, I’m told, quite personable), has forbidden the sharing of microphones amongst guests for fear of spittle droplet transmission. Don’t worry though, we are instituting a “Bring Your Own Audio Equipment” policy that should not present too much trouble for the twelve to fourteen “readers” whom we will choose for the big day…we will let you know who you are very soon!

5). The Party:

Everyone loves a good party! However, because alcohol leads to impaired decision making and a reduction in inhibitions (resulting in less compliance to COVID protocols), we will not be having an open bar.

Nor a party. 

Please note: this decision is informed by Public Health and is not because we are WASPs.

6). Dancing:

Out of respect for social distancing, there will not be any dancing at our wedding. Variants of Concern, the COVID-inspired wedding band we have reserved, are now reduced from a seven-piece showband to a hornless, instrumental quartet (trumpets are on the banned list for their potential to be expensive COVID blowers). They will perform a mixture of the music of The Mahavishnu Orchestra and Frank Zappa’s “Black Page #1,” guaranteed to deter anyone from even thinking about dancing.

6). Attestation:

I am sure that everyone is familiar with the online screening process that needs to be completed before entering a building or attending an event. While this process must occur for our wedding, we have teamed up with Bed, Bath and Beyond (where we are registered) to offer a simple online opportunity for you to simultaneously declare that you are without fever while contributing financially to our monogrammed towel set (featuring the hyphenated last name that we will be sharing).

7). Capacity:

Should we be able to hold our wedding outside, we could host 50 attendees. However, given the weather forecast, we are now planning an indoor event. Public Health has informed our venue that they can operate at 15% capacity for indoor celebrations.

Meaning ten people.

Given the size of our immediate family, we have had to make some difficult decisions regarding our attendee list.

Simply put, you are not invited.

No matter, as the longer that Dave and I continue to live, work, exercise, relax and co-exist 24-hours a day in a shared 650-square foot apartment, the more certain I am that our relationship will not survive until August anyways!

Thanks for reading and remember, Save the Date!

Dave and Susan

Andrew Scott lives in Toronto, Canada, in a house amongst children, antiquated technology of yesteryear and many, many instruments. From this location, he makes music, writes letters, narrates radio dramas, composes poems and submits journalistic pieces.

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