Seven Potential Bachelors for Melinda Gates’ Hot Girl Summer

Bill and Melinda Gates are divorcing, which proves only one thing.

A prenup is pretty much always a good idea.

But now that divorcee and certified-MILF Melinda Gates is back on the market, it’s time to start reeling in the potential bachelors for her very first hot girl summer since 1994. And Mel, honey: God may have closed the Windows on your marriage, but He opened the door of a brand-new Benz. It’s time to hit the town and check out the options.

  1. Pete Davidson
    Ranking it at Number 1 is of course the Newly-Single Rich Woman’s go-to: Pete Davidson. He’s the perfect mix of low-key and non-threatening — at least to your finances. Just look at the absolutely thriving pop goddess, Ariana Grande. Melinda, you deserve a little BDE.

  2. The male barista at the local pressed juice bar
    These guys are the best, most disposable bachelors out there. He probably won’t know who you are (“I’m not on social media, the government needs to try a little harder if they want to get in my brain.”), and he knows how to make a mean green smoothie. Use him, juice him, and LOSE HIM!

  3. Larry Page
    Another tech tycoon that would absolutely batter Bill’s ego. Larry Page is the best way to get back at Bill for being a no-good deadbeat Windows-95-using shitbag. Or maybe it was a mutual split. Either way, Larry Page.

  4. The dad from Pixar’s “Inside Out”
    It’s time to stop pretending that Riley’s dad from “Inside Out” is not a total DILF. I mean, come on.

  5. A “friend” of Rory’s
    Hooking up with one of your son’s friends? Absolute power-MILF move. Shoot for someone in his early to mid-twenties. That way, he’ll know OF the Gates, but not enough to care when he ultimately gets tossed out like old tissue.

  6. Kanye West
    Did someone say famous divorces? Kanye may be living in a completely different dimension, but a fling with him would definitely catch headlines and possibly come with a psychedelic drug problem. Tread carefully.

  7. Andrew Garfield in “The Social Network”
    Another man in the tech industry! This fictionalized version of the angel investor could also be an angel bachelor! Sorry, my Nordstrom’s at the cleaners!





A part-time owner of student debts and full-time starving artist. My Twitter is @livefromnat

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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