Chet Deserves a Raise!: Open Letter to Heartland Communications, Inc.

Dear Heartland Communications, Inc.,

I have been a customer of yours for two years or so and I just wanted to tell you about a remarkable young man you have working in your Customer Service Department.  His name is Chet and he is an absolute angel helping us less technologically oriented customers deal with these twenty-first century machines.

Having had trouble with my telephone message system for some time (I couldn’t get at my messages which I knew were somewhere in there because of that little red number on the face), I decided to get some help, so I called your 800 number.  A very nice girl named Doreen was unable to understand my problem fully (perhaps she is new? Give her time.) and so she directed my call to a Patrick who seemed very sweet but rather hurried, who similarly sent me along finally to your wonderful Chet, and if he is the manager of his department I can certainly understand why and if he isn’t, he should be.  

You see, my granddaughter Lorraine got me to buy this telephone and connect with you people, but then she got a good job out in Nevada and moved away before she could get me on board with all the bells and whistles.  I have always considered myself a trendsetter in my circle, but this gizmo had me stumped.

Until Chet, that is.  What a pleasant manner and amazing patience this man possesses!  He explained things from the bottom to the top and back again clearly and slowly.  I guess it must be asthma that keeps him breathing kind of hard and raggedy, gasping and sighing quite a bit, poor boy.  Despite this apparent ailment (which he never complained to me about!), he managed to have me getting my “voice mail” pretty darn quick.  Plus, he even explained how to delete these jabberings from my long-winded friends after I had heard them!  This was a real boon.  I have friends with 200-300 messages on their intelligent telephones and no understanding of how to get rid of them.  Further, he even explained some other doo-dads and buttons.  (Who knew you could take snapshots with it?  I hope I never inadvertently sent pictures of myself to anyone, but Chet assured me repeatedly that this isn’t really possible, thank my lucky stars!)  What’s more, Chet was not worried about his valuable time even though he gently in a strained whisper had to repeat things several times before they went all the way into my grey matter!  But now, thanks to Chet I have a real grip on my phone.  (Pun intended.  Ha ha ha!)  

I really think you ought to give Chet a day or two off or a nice raise.  He seemed pretty tired, and I worry that you are overworking this obvious star in your service department.  I have enclosed a five dollar bill and I would be grateful if you would pass it on to him with my eternal thanks.  I believe good work deserves a reward and that Chet is a good one.

Sign Me One Satisfied Customer,
Velma Ellis

P.S.  If Chet is single, please have him call me.  (You have the number!)  I have another lovely granddaughter who is single and probably about Chet’s age.  



Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong.  Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.

Categories: Fiction, Open Letters

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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