Dude, I am the teenage guy being sang to in the song “Driver’s License” and I just need to let everyone know that this girl is hella crazy. Since I’ve been painted as some sort of heartbreaking fuck boy in this hit song, I feel the need to defend myself a bit. So I’m gonna go through some of the lyrics and tell things from my point of view.

I’ll start with the part where the lyrics say: “You didn’t mean what you wrote in that song about me / you said forever.” To clarify: I am NOT a songwriter, and I did NOT write my ex-girlfriend a damn love song. If you want to know what REALLY happened, I was high AF and recorded a TikTok of myself singing this ballad by some old chick named Jessica Simpson or whatever. The name of the song is “I Wanna Love You Forever.” And I don’t know why, man! I was baked, and it was stuck in my head because my mom plays it sometimes. The lyrics go like this: “I wanna looooove you foreeeeeeever!” and then after that, Jessica Simpson belts out the line: “ten thousand liiiiiifetimes togeeeeether!” So THAT’S what I sang on TikTok. I never said my girlfriend’s NAME in it and I never said I WROTE the song. Like, this chick SERIOUSLY thinks I wrote that for her? She could’ve easily googled the lyrics instead of randomly convincing herself that I am in love with her or something.

I mean, was I her first kiss? Yes. And did I bring her to my junior prom? Also yes. And did I give her a heart-shaped ruby promise ring for our one year dating anniversary? Of course I did. And did I take her virginity on a picnic blanket under the stars? Oh yeah! (High five!) And did I SAY those three words “I love you” to her? Well, obviously. But what? Does this girl think I’m gonna like MARRY her one day or something? She is OBSESSED with me, dude. No cap.

In the song she sings about this “blonde girl” being “so much older” than her. Well that’s one thing she’s right about. This girl I’m seeing now is a SENIOR. She’s 18, and she’s super hot. She’s also the BEST because she’s old enough to go to the vape store and buy me my Juul pods. So, just think: would I rather be with her, a senior with a thicc ass AND her own car… or with some braces-mouthed sophomore, with nothing but a learner’s permit? When I dumped her, my ex couldn’t even DRIVE yet. Which brings me to my next point.

Her lyrics say that “we always talked about” her getting her driver’s license and that I was so “excited” for her. And OF COURSE I was excited for her to get her fucking license. I was getting sick of her annoying mom dropping her off at my house every time I’d want to hook up with her daughter. I’d always have to talk to her mother, and be all polite, and say things like “Hello, how are you?” That shit’s NOT cool.

And in another lyric, this psychopath says she “can’t drive past the places we used to go to.” Umm, like where? Our high school? The mall? I went to the mall with her ONCE on a date to Chick-Fil-A; I know it’s a special place, but I believe in treating a girl right even if the dinner is mad expensive. Or maybe she’s referring to Starbucks? That place is boujee to me, but my ex loved it, so sometimes I’d surprise her in homeroom with her cool lime refresher and cake pop. But come on, EVERYONE goes to these places. Like I said, she’s bat-shit.

Finally, in the last line of the song she sings that now she “drives alone past my street.” Umm, no kidding? We live in a pretty small suburb, and my house pretty much in the town center. But if she WANTED to, she could probably take some different roads to get around. But no. Because this girl is CLEARLY my STALKER, she’s probably hoping she’ll see me out running or something. My ex needs to get over me, no cap. Like, I know I’m on varsity. And I know I post the sickest gym selfies on insta. And I know I have the largest sneaker collection out of all the guys in my entire grade. But the girl needs to move on, bro.

I mean, listen. If the song wasn’t about me, I’d probably agree that the song slaps. My ex has a mad nice voice and “Driver’s License” is for sure catchy. But this chick needs to snap out of this weird obsession she has with me, for real.

Aight, I’m gonna go slide into that blonde senior’s DMs. Peace. 



Kerry Webster Reynolds is a Massachusetts High School Creative Writing teacher who does some writing of her own from time to time. Find her work on Points in Case, The Daily Drunk, Frazzled, & The Haven. Twitter: @KWebbyRey