Location: Washington DC

Pet: Dog 

Breed: German Shepherd

Sex: Male 

Size: Large

Color: Black and Tan

Seeking: Pet-sitter, Dog-walker 

Hello, potential fur-babysitters and leash-holding humans! I’m Major Biden, and I’m looking for a new human friend!

First, I want to let you know that I am a VERY good boy. I know this because my white-haired man-human who wears suits and aviators tells me so all the time. My smiley blonde doctor lady-human who wears pretty dresses does too! They both give me good scratches and fun play time. I love my humans, but I am excited to meet a new human-friend to spend some time with!

Since you want to know about me, I’ll start by telling you that I’m both “house-broken” and “neutered.” (I don’t know what those words mean though.) Unrelated, I DO know that I don’t go pee or poo indoors. Also, I used to have these two dangly things between my legs, but it was the craziest thing: one day I went to sleep, and when I woke up, they were gone! Oh, well.

What else? Oh! I love to jump, bark, and charge. Some of my other favorite activities include licking human faces and wagging my tail.

I’ve been living in a new place: my big white house. It’s very big, and very white. (I’m certain it is white because white is one of the only colors I can see. Also because I hear people calling it a “white house” pretty much all the time.) Anyways, I LOVE to play outside on my special lawn in front of my big white house. There’s so much grass, and I get to run around and around. It’s great! I also love to sit real comfy in the leather chair behind the desk in this big room that’s shaped like an oval. It’s so luxurious! I hear that it’s the most important seat in the WHOLE COUNTRY, so I let my man-human sit in it sometimes.

However, things have been kind of weird living in this new big white house. For example, sometimes there are annoying humans that I don’t expect to be there, and also I don’t WANT them to be there. So, this one time, I told a human to go away with my mouth. And then this other time, I told ANOTHER human to go away with my mouth. I’m told that this isn’t a nice way to tell humans to go away, but I’m not sure how else to do it. After all, I don’t know how to talk.

Anyways, I went to get more “training” at this place called “Della wear.” I still don’t know who Della is, or what she wears. Maybe she wears suits and aviators like my man-human? Or maybe she wears pretty dresses like my lady-human? Who knows!

Anyhow, I’ve learned that there are two types of humans that I DISLIKE very much: they are called “National Park Service employees” and “Secret Service agents.” Unfortunately, these types of humans are going to be around for “four to eight years” which sounds like that might be a pretty long time. That’s why I’m looking for a pet sitter; sometimes I just need to be able to get away from all the chaos!

Oh, and while I’m on the topic of humans I dislike, I should probably note that I also do NOT like round, angry, orange-faced man-humans with tiny little hands. I don’t know for sure, but I THINK that if I got the opportunity to tell a round, angry, orange-faced man-human with tiny little hands to go away with my mouth, that I’d use my mouth a LOT!

So in short, those three types of humans need not apply.

Oh boy, am I excited to meet my new human friend! I want to walk down my street that is called “Pennsylvania Avenue” and strut my stuff. I’m pretty famous here, by the way. Ooh! Maybe we could also go to dog parks and play with some canine friends. I love my best canine friend, Champ, and I’d love to meet some more puppy pals!

Oh! I should also mention that there is this OTHER doctor lady-human I know. She wears a white coat, and when I see her, she has me stand on a silver table. She sticks this cold pointy thing into my bum. And sometimes she pokes me with needles and tells me I’m a good boy the same way that everyone else does. This doctor lady-human says I am “in good health” and that my “vaccinations are up to date.” I don’t know what that stuff means either, but I know it must be good because my man-human and lady-human always smile when she says it. Also I “weigh 77 pounds” which means that I am a “big boy.” I think that is all you might want to know about me!

So in conclusion, I’m hoping for a pet sitter who can provide me with lots of grass, lots of cuddles, and lots of exercise! (A treat or two wouldn’t hurt either. Options include: bacon, cookies, cheese, chicken… and come to think of it, pretty much anything. I LOVE treats!)

Thanks for reading!

*Woof woof*

Sincerely,

Major

Think you may be the perfect candidate for Major? Apply today!

Kerry Webster Reynolds is a Massachusetts High School Creative Writing teacher who does some writing of her own from time to time. Find her work on Points in Case, The Daily Drunk, Frazzled, & The Haven. Twitter: @KWebbyRey