Drop that pint of Häagen-Dazs and the spoon! Just because you’ve been dumped is no reason to fill your face. Take charge of your life and lose a few unwanted pounds too.
Day 1: Order a pizza in the smallest possible size. (Off to a good start!) When it arrives, force yourself to flirt with the delivery guy, no matter what he looks like or how old he is. Next, peel off all the ingredients that were your ex’s favorites, including meats, veggies, and even the cheese. Make it your pizza. Eat three bites of what’s left, and then close the box, hurl it in the trash, go into the living room, and roll on the floor in tears holding a garment of choice from your ex that you still have. The Weeping Roll is good exercise which also kills any remaining appetite. Pizza may not taste good to you for a very long time, which is a bonus. Stay on the floor as long as you need to. Let it all out.
Day 2: Order Asian food. Flirt again with deliverer. Sit on the floor of the living room today and eat with chopsticks. If you’re terrible with chopsticks, don’t worry. You won’t be eating much anyway. If you are adept with chopsticks, take three to four bites. Close up the container and go put it on the lowest shelf of the refrigerator, pushing it way back there. Run to the bedroom and roll around on the bed hugging tightly the pillow your ex used. Push your face into it and cry loudly. Again, a double gift to yourself: Exercise and appetite suppression.
Day 3: Feeling at least a little better about life by now? Good. Take a microwaveable Mexican dinner from the freezer and follow those directions. Set a nice place at the table with clean silverware (not just rinsed off from the sink), fresh napkin, glass of ice water in a sparkling glass. Once seated with your meal, eat approximately 18% of it, and then scrape the rest into the garbage disposal, rinse the little pan, and put it in the recycling bin. Sit down right on the kitchen floor, weeping quietly into your ratty old dishtowel. Later, still on the floor, turn off any lights and sit in the dark a while.
Day 4: After work drink a bottle of merlot by yourself in the dark in the living room. Liquid diet good for one day only. Listen to your choice of sad, personally meaningful music.
Day 5: Cereal with banana for dinner! Your choice! Try to eat something with lots of fiber. Finish the whole bowl! Be careful about milk “use by” date. Listen to upbeat music, not NPR.
Day 6: Weigh yourself for the first time since the break-up. Looks good, yes? Dress up nicely after work. Meet friends for dinner at your fav place. Order doubles, laugh throwing your head back with gleeful abandon. Make saddish but still funny jokes about your ex. Let your eyes tear up emotionally just once, briefly. Then order and eat whatever it is you want. Flirt heavily with the waiter or, in a pinch, busboy.
Day 7: Try on the killer dress that has been a little too snug lately but now is perfect. Wear great heels. Answer the door when he knocks and enjoy your dinner date with the pizza delivery guy who is a good-looking and funny guy in this third year of law school.
Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong. Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.