- Successful Person: I make my bed every morning.
You: I’m still in it, so not gonna make it.
- Successful Person: I lay my clothes out the night before, and I know what order I’ll shower, do my hair, and read the morning news.
You: “Do my hair”? Who the hell are you, Jackie Kennedy?
- Successful Person: To enjoy the quiet of the morning, I put off checking my cell phone until after I’ve showered, gotten dressed, and put on my makeup.
You: Ooh, makeup too? Well aren’t you a goddamn beauty queen.
- Successful Person: I enjoy a good stretch in the morning. Doesn’t have to be a full yoga sesh, but a stretch is helpful in staving off injury.
You: Oh shut up. “Sesh”. “Staving”. Just shut the fuck up.
- Successful Person: I drink 16 oz of water right away. I go so far as to put it on my bedside table so I drink it first thing.
You: That’s how far you go? You’ll go that far? Wow I’m real impressed. You’re a goddamn rebel with all that morning drinking. Must be nice to have a table right next to your bed too, Miss Beauty Queen. Must be nice.
- Successful Person: I write 5 full morning pages to engage creatively and be reflective.
You: Okay you know what, I’ve done that. I usually just write “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” for 517 pages. That better count you Shakespeare-wannabe dipshit.
- Successful Person: I wash my face! It’s simple, but I think of skin care as a self care tool.
You: Your face looks like an ass so you better wash it you…assface. Good one, me.
- Successful Person: I add a little fun! I play video games while I drink my coffee!
You: I’m the goddamn queen of fun. I take my ADD meds and spend 5:30 am to 2 pm playing candy crush so how ‘bout you go fuck yourself.
- Successful Person: I review my daily to-do list that I wrote the night before to get my head in the game.
You: My head’s already in the candy crush game, you ass clown—and I’m on a full dose of high-octane, goddamn FDA-regulated speed before you even get your candy ass up. So shut up, you self-righteous water-drinking, bed-making, yoga seshing, all-in-touch-with-your-creativity mother-loving buttface cuz I’m about to bust a nut and own your ass on candy crush! Yeah! Real good one, me. Ooh, I made it to level 17 on candy crush. I hope I get more of the red ones. I kill it when I get more red ones. The yellow ones are obviously harder to see and—ooh is that a text about my pizza delivery?
Maria Ciampa is a co-founder of the HBO Women in Comedy Festival and co-host of Wrong Voicemail, Boston Edition podcast. Her work has appeared in Little Old Ladies, Slackjaw, and Elephant Journal. She lives in Portland, OR with her husband,
basil plant and sourdough starter.