Tell-Tale Signs You’re A ‘Pineapple Beer’ Guzzling Alcoholic Desperately Hiding Behind Attempts At Creativity While Struggling To Deny The Tantalizing Lure Of A Career In Technical Writing

1)  You once tried to write a novel based loosely on your own personal experiences, but the main character died on page five, which is also the same page you spilled ‘pineapple-flavored’ beer all over before you passed out and fell off your chair. 

2)  You’re willing to drink ‘pineapple-flavored’ beer as means to block out the reality that people cry, experience nausea, and get severe headaches before falling asleep whenever they proof-read drafts of your work.

3)  While drinking ‘pineapple-flavored’ beer a few weeks ago, you sent a short-story to a literary magazine, which immediately shut down and went offline after receiving it.      

4)  As you were drinking ‘pineapple-flavored’ beer one night while nobody was around, you looked at LinkedIn and Glassdoor for technical writing jobs that pay between $60 to $100,000 per year before you guiltily deleted your search history the next morning.          

5)  You have a horrible habit of drinking ‘pineapple-flavored’ beer and drooling at images (and GIFs) of completely exposed corporate manuals, licensing agreements, standard operating procedures, and marketing strategy reports while your left hand works its way down into your pants.

6)  It only takes about two or three ‘pineapple-flavored’ beers before you catch yourself fantasizing about employee handbook rules and process documentation…as your left hand works its way down into your pants.

7)  Even without drinking ‘pineapple-flavored’ beer, you get turned on by intense, steamy, and highly-erotic thoughts of freely (and shamelessly) strolling through life with absolutely no byline.

8)  People notice that even when you’re completely tanked on ‘pineapple-flavored’ beer, you still blush and try to change the subject whenever somebody mentions there are companies that need individuals to write software instruction pamphlets.

9)  When you’re hungover from drinking too much ‘pineapple-flavored’ beer, you try to pretend you’re interested in authors like Hunter S. Thompson and Charles Bukowski even though you’d rather scroll through the dark, gritty, and eye-opening pages of a consumer product case study.   

10)  Out of sheer desperation to avoid the haunting truth about your real interest in composing technical documents, you finally consume a dangerous amount of ‘pineapple-flavored’ beer and attempt to construct a humorous article about pineapples before family members and friends (stressed to the max with your ‘out-of-control’ and ‘self-destructive’ attempts at creative expression) catch you, take your laptop away, and hold an intervention during which you are given an application for a nearby IT Communications firm.


Wes Janson is a former international educator who taught in South Korea and Taiwan.   He currently lives in the Midwest and occasionally writes comedy articles.  

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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