Attractive, ex-Catholic woman in late 30s with part-time employment seeks powerful but compassionate deity for long-term, monotheistic relationship post-pandemic

  • MUST have experience—preferably 1,000 years of age or older
  • MUST have at least one well-furnished house within twenty miles of my apartment. Chapel, temple, shrine—call it what you want, as long as it’s clean and you maintain a spiritual atmosphere (Note: ALLERGIC to scented candles. Beeswax or other all-natural, fragrance-free candles ONLY)
  • MUST coordinate worship services with my schedule—shifts change WEEKLY
  • MUST be responsive to communication 24/7. Should have capacity to answer at least five prayers per week, but this number is negotiable
  • Open to deities of all genders, but leaning toward female or nonbinary. 
  • NO KIDS!! (That goes for you and me both—I am NOT interested in immaculate conception) 
  • No dietary restrictions EXCEPT cannibalism (I don’t care how divine your flesh and blood is, yuck)
  • Angry, fire-and-brimstone types NOT WELCOME. No plagues, diseases, famines, natural disasters, dead animals, etc.
  • Should be supportive and helpful without making me feel guilty
  • Any idols/sacred objects should be available in styles that match my boho/shabby chic aesthetic
  • Any religious texts should be available in English and no more than 250 pages (I am a slow reader—CANNOT guarantee I will finish)
  • DO NOT ask me to evangelize (If things work out, I will introduce you to my friends)
  • I have friends of different faiths and WILL continue seeing them (Deities should not be insecure!!)
  • Miracles not required, but strongly preferred

To convert me, send an email: 

(Will NOT respond to apparitions/epiphanies)

Becky Robison is a karaoke enthusiast, trivia nerd, and fiction writer from Chicago. A graduate of UNLV’s MFA program, her stories have appeared in [PANK], Paper Darts, and elsewhere. When she’s not working her corporate job or walking her dog, she serves as Social Media Coordinator for Split Lip Magazine.

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