Hi! I’m Cesar Millan from the TV show The Dog Whisperer. I also have other shows: Cesar 911, Leader of the Pack, and Dog Nation. People call me a “dog trainer” but I correct them: “I don’t train dogs; I train humans.” Dogs need rehabilitation! I’ve decided to put my tried-and-true dog rehabilitation techniques to a new use. That’s right! I’m doing my first show without dogs! It will be just for humans. A very specific type of human: Chick-fil-A Addicts!
People know how serious Chick-fil-A addiction can be, especially here in the United States. I often compare dogs from my homeland of Mexico to dogs in the United States saying, “Mexican dogs are skinny, and American dogs are fat.” For dogs, this is due to differences with population and exercise. For humans, the difference is simply the existence of Chick-fil-A. Some humans become so obsessed that it’s a problem. Why? Some claim it’s MSG. Others guess it’s the sauce. Some even suspect there’s cocaine in the ingredients. Whatever the reasons, people have called “Cesar 911” on their loved ones. They need my help, and I’m going to deliver!
Before my new show airs, see my techniques and how to employ them for human use. Try my methods at home! Normally, I’d say “Do NOT attempt these techniques without consulting a professional.” But because this is humans, we don’t normally have concerns of bites and attacks. However, depending on the addiction level of your human, especially if it involves the Spicy Chicken Sandwich, use your discretion. Here we go!
1 — “Nose, Eyes, Ears.” — Dogs smell first, see second, and hear third. Humans don’t naturally follow the same order. However, once that waft of the Chick-fil-A fryolator oil penetrates the cracks of your human’s car door, before the window is even rolled down, the primal human nose is already tracking the scent. Therefore, for rehabilitation to occur, your Chick-fil-A addicted human must avoid streets where Chick-fil-A is present. Because humans will first see those bold red letters, they’ll be tempted to drive up, where the aroma will captivate the nose, leaving them helpless against their cravings. If this happens, refer to my self-explanatory technique “No talk, No Touch, No Eye Contact” until your human calms down.
2 — “Exercise. Discipline. Affection.” — Dog owners should follow this order regarding treatment of their dogs. Some people show their dogs affection, but don’t exercise or discipline them; this leads to behavior problems. Same goes for humans. If you want to show your human affection by buying them a Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich, exercise must occur first. Be sure to walk your human or put them on a treadmill. If your human acts out in response by threatening to steal your Waffle Fries later, or by saying they’ll drown you in your Frozen Lemonade, you’ll need to discipline them to correct the undesired behavior.
3- “Rules, Boundaries, and Limitations.” — Dogs need all three of these for structure. Same goes for humans. You may need to make a rule for your Chick-fil-A addicted human, such as: “No more Chick-fil-A until you lose ten pounds.” If this seems harsh, you may rather set a boundary such as: “I’ve drawn a line across the kitchen floor with tape. If you cross it, or come remotely close to me while I’m enjoying my Peppermint Milkshake, I will END you. This shit is SEASONAL.” If neither of those work, perhaps you’d prefer a limitation like: “You CAN get Chick-fil-A for lunch today, but you’re ONLY allowed to order the Greek Yogurt Parfait, Lemon Kale Caesar Salad, or Fruit Cup.” It can be devastating to employ these restrictions, but doing so will aid your human in their journey to recovery.
4- “Use a short leash.” — I suggest a short simple leash that goes around your dog’s neck to guide them gently. Your dog should feel your calm energy and walk compliantly beside you. This should work for your Chick-fil-A addicted human as well. You’re the leader! For example, if you’re out shopping with this person, and you know this mall has a Chick-fil-A in the food court, you must leash your human. You may purchase a variety of leashes to choose from depending on your human’s style, or your human may prefer a neutral color such as black to go with many outfits. Your human will likely say they “don’t want a leash” as they know it will limit their ability to bolt from Ann Taylor Loft all the way to the Chick-fil-A counter before you can catch them.
*If this occurs, you must seek professional help to learn proper restraint techniques. Some people get so obsessed with those Chick-n-Strips that they become chemically imbalanced. Serious injury can occur.
5- “Surrender.” — When dogs dislike something, they think and evaluate: “I don’t like it. What can I do?” The ideal order of thoughts would be: “Can I fight? No. Can I flight? No. Can I avoid? No. But can I surrender? Yes!” Use this same technique with your Chick-fil-A obsessed human.
For instance, there may be times when Chick-fil-A food is present, but isn’t allowed to be eaten. Your human may try to “fight” this. They might get mad, spy a heavy book on the end table, and hurl it at you in an attempt to take you out. Therefore, in advance, hide all heavy objects that could be used as weapons, especially if you know you’ll need to tell your human the most feared word ever when that Chick-fil-A craving strikes: “No.”
Your human may attempt “flight” and run the other way, usually to their car, to flee to Chick-fil-A alone. Therefore, be sure all car keys are hidden ahead of time. It is also important to communicate with loved ones about your human’s addiction. This way, friends and family members will know not to: answer their texts, escort them to Chick-fil-A, or otherwise enable their unhealthy behavior. Chick-fil-A addiction can tear families apart and destroy relationships.
Your human may try to “avoid.” They might give you the silent treatment, end your friendship, or divorce you. You may think your human is dedicated to you, but anything is possible when it comes to those Chick-fil-A Nuggets. If your human pulls away, consult a professional as an intervention may be necessary.
“Surrendering” is the ultimate goal, though it takes great determination and perseverance. Your human may seek help from local Chick-fil-A Addicts Anonymous meetings.
Thanks for reading!
If my techniques fail, try lying to your human and convincing them it’s Sunday. If your human outsmarts you and looks at a calendar, attempt reminding your human that it’s “kinda homophobic” to eat at Chick-fil-A as a last ditch effort at making it a morality issue. Cross your fingers that it works!
My new show: The Chick-fil-A Addict Whisperer airs on NatGeoWild THIS TUESDAY!
Dog Is Love,
Cesar Millan
Kerry Webster Reynolds is a Massachusetts Creative Writing teacher who writes her own stuff sometimes. Words: Points in Case, The Belladonna, Daily Drunk, etc. Follow her! @KWebbyRey. Really. She’s new to Twitter and gets V excited about followers.