Mrs. Doubtfire’s Tips for First Dates (Because you are NOT that Kind of Girl, Dear!)

A Week before the Date

Add 1 gallon of distilled water to a bucket.

After taking a swig, add one bottle of vodka to the bucket.

Ask four male acquaintances to pee in the bucket. Oh, not all at once, dear, unless they are drunk (as well you might be, after your wee drink!). DO NOT ask females. Your date (aka predator) is a man. Men are beasts—as was my dear husband, Winston—and only repelled by MALE “pee-pee.”

Add TWO cups of concentrated PredatorPee® Skunk ‘Um to the bucket.               

Stir. Cover the bucket and allow formula to mature, while your leg hairs are growing.

Funnel into a 2-gallon portable high-pressure sprayer, you’ve labeled SKUNK-THE-BASTARD!–and voila! “Skunky” should serve you through many first dates.

On Date Day

Do not shower! You NEVER shower before a date, dear!

Slather your armpits with a good, stinky Stilton.

You’ve heard of self-anointing in the animal kingdom? Well, certain animals, like wee, stinky doggies, use malodorous substances. You are now, little one, a wee, stinky doggie!

Contrary to what you might think, the subsequent stench increases your self-confidence exponentially. You’ll be like me when I’m dance vacuuming–all attitude and head bopping.

Don a dominatrix-style bra with sharp metal nipples, sprinkling kitty litter into each cup. If you have no kitty litter, use Grape-Nuts®. This adds extra protection against unwanted “paws,” and helps keep you feisty.

Panties should be “leather-focused,” rise over the ribcage, and be zippered and belted. Add oomph to your silhouette (as I do) by wearing TWO pairs.   

For the outer garment, choose a military-grade, chainmail shark suit, minus the hood (so he can see you!). Because if sharks can’t get in, neither can dates. 

Be happy knowing that with all that clothing, you’ll appear MUCH LARGER than you actually are—a definite plus on a first date.        

Jewelry should be overstated: an Elizabethan-style neck ruff made of copper scouring pads, gives a distinctly regal impression, and looks lovely against the shark suit.    

No makeup, sorry, poppet! Only for the second date!

Dab cheeks with aftershave. Try “Cave-Brute-Manimal” by husband-and-wife, millennial hipsters, The McBadley-Smells. It’s expensive but SO worth it! According to their website, its pungent, somewhat wet-dog odor, furtively obtained from the sweaty armpits of drunken, hairy, narcoleptic creatures that frequent their neighborhood bars.             

Perform a vigorous karate workout. Granted, the shark suit will weigh you down, but just grit your teeth and go at it. If you plan to wear high heels, wear them while doing so–ensuring you are fight-ready. 

Now, change out of high heels and into sneakers. You must NEVER wear high heels on a first date, dear!

Repeat principal 16 of Shotokan karate. “As soon as you leave home…think that millions of opponents are waiting for you!”

Fondle the high-pressure sprayer containing SKUNK-THE-BASTARD!

Meeting Your Date (aka Opponent)

Greet him with a bow and growl, “Hellooo! OSU! S’up, bitch?” Like I did to Winston. God rest his wee soul!

Armpits tight against your shark suit, lean in, and rub a cheek against his. This claims him with your “man” scent, while the copper scouring pads, chafing his skin, send out a warning. Now perform a few arm blocks, before laughing loudly, like a braying donkey.

In the event he’s a germaphobe, affect a hacking, COVID-type cough throughout dinner—this might upset other diners but should dissuade him from “getting ideas.”

What to talk about

Horrible skin conditions.

Writer Dennis Potter’s film noir musical The Singing Detective, about a writer of pulp-fiction novels, hospitalized for a horrible skin condition.

YOUR horrible skin condition.

Your insanely jealous, 370lb, biker EX-boyfriend, Marlin, who gave you the horrible skin condition, and who might be lying in wait for him in the men’s room in stall number two.

As evidence, show him a video of Marlin on your iPhone, bench-pressing his Harley, complaining about his “HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS, horrible skin condition,” and how he plans to lie in wait for your date in the men’s room in stall number two.

Inviting Him Home for a Wee Cup of Tea (Not Recommended, Dear!)

When he moves in for THE GOODNIGHT GROPE, start bumping, grinding, and hopping around him, like some exotic male bird. To promote lust AND fear! If you have long hair, whip it good, GURL! Now attempt a booty roll—admittedly tricky in your shark suit—while concurrently flapping your arms elegantly, swanlike; this releases the malodorous Stilton from your pits, sending his nostrils into overdrive. He might even faint! Immediately, blast him with SKUNK-THE-BASTARD (as I did Winston, when he attempted shenanigans, bless his naughty wee heart)! Ensuring less likelihood of his groping you on this first date. 

Granted, it may simply scare him off. In which case, poppet, there will be no second date!

Ronia Smits is an Anglo-American writer, artist and cat guardian who grew up in England, the Middle East and Africa. Their humor and salty satire have appeared in The Yellow Ham, Defenestration, Robot Butt, Points in Case and Little Old Lady Comedy. Ronia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with their husband Professor Brovnik (and other wildlife!).

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