Mary
British, so can’t fully be trusted. Distinctly subversive. Every July 4th, brings in a Safeway cake decorated in red, white and blue and, before anyone can get a slice, smashes it with her fist! Just think what she could do to my wedding cake!
DECLINE
Brianna
Total Nerd. Thick “Coke-Bottle” glasses. Size 12 shoes. VORACIOUS APPETITE! Brett thinks she might have inadvertently eaten his favorite striped socks while he was airing his feet. If she’s eaten his socks, she’ll eat anything!
DECLINE
Brett
Like a six-foot twelve-year-old. Sentimentally attached to his old school uniform that he’s long since grown out of. Very short trousers! SMELLY! Exceedingly emotional. As mother-of-the-bride, Mom plans to cry at my wedding—and HATES competition. So if Brett starts bawling, things could get ugly!
DECLINE
Sanjay
A young Deepak Chopra. Once made eye contact and I was like, wow, he’s actually quite cute. But he spoilt it by saying I had a VERY LARGE head! On his desk was his lunch, a plethora of hot Indian food prepared by his mother. While I hovered around, like a hopeful pigeon, watching him eat, he made lip-smacking yummy noises, declaring it “a feast beyond feasts, especially the samosas!” BUT DID NOT SHARE! SO, FUCK YOU, SANJAY!
DECLINE
Sookee
Are you shitting me? Invite Sookee? Extreme case of upspeak. Like a hen laying an egg! Could disrupt the proceedings, if she gets excited! More to the point, despite her large nose, she’s far too cute! 38-24-36 puts her in the “hot” category! Whenever she bends over, which she frequently does, most male eyeballs are out on stalks. She’d be a total distraction. So that takes care of that, boys!
DECLINE
Richard (Dick)—Team Leader
Small-brained, bigoted creature. Shaved head and bushy eyebrows. ANTI-VAXXER! According to Sookee (who’s friend with his ex-wife), has Trump’s face tattooed on both butt cheeks—and a little penis. Therefore, known by everyone as “The Little Penis.” As in, “Have you seen The Little Penis?” Moonlights as a drag queen at La Diva’s Dilemma. Has shapely legs and a great Tenor voice. If he sang “We Are Family” at my wedding, dressed as “Queen Honey Bee,” Mom would be thrilled, and start sobbing. But he’s such a dick!
DECLINE
Dixielou
Tiny person. Frizzy red hair. And only the loudest gum chewer in the whole frickin universe! Being Scots-Irish, can be extremely aggressive when provoked. You daren’t ask her to do anything! Recently bit off the top of Timmy’s right ear because he ate the last donut. Claims to be a descendant of Blackbeard the pirate. ERGO, COULD WREAK TOTAL HAVOC! Moreover, married to a female bounty hunter nicknamed Breaking Badass.
NO…FRICKEN…WAY!
DECLINE
Timmy
Having surgery on his right ear!
Aiesha
Beyoncé look-alike. Very militant. Angela Davis’ Afro. Scary-sexy. Has a black belt in karate! Rumored to beat up neo-Nazis; though, she can be an equal opportunity hell-raiser. Look what happened to poor Antwan! There he was, squeezing past her on his way to get coffee, and WHAMMO—out cold! Still, if she doesn’t totally decimate the wedding guests, she might be good for security, should Dixielou and Breaking Badass decide to gatecrash.
INVITE
Antwan
Still in hospital. Prognosis unknown.
Friedrich
Existential nihilist. Always quoting bloody Nietzsche. “To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” He’d be a real downer at the wedding. I just know he would!
DECLINE
Brenda the Office Cat
Predictable work pattern. Lazy, sleeps a lot, generally a bad influence on her coworkers. Nonetheless, a likeable feline. Has large green eyes that half-close when she looks at you. And her purr? According to Michael, VERY SEDUCTIVE. Loves being petted, so likely to “over” mingle and direct attention away from me. Basically, she’s the office slut. Nope, not going to invite the office slut!
DECLINE
Michael
Too fond of Brenda
DECLINE
Vlad
Enormous, hairy, 30-something Russian. LOVES vodka! Suspected hacker! Interjects “Nyet,” “da,” “President Putin,” and “Mama,” into every conversation. Jokes that he’s “Glad to be Vlad and not Brad.” Whoever Brad is! Likes to show off chest and to wrestle. Often wanders around naked. Curiously, has a screen saver of my mother, superimposed on a large pink heart. She’s standing hands on hips and dressed as Wonder Woman. WTF!? Mom’s fifty-seven! How did she meet Vlad? ARE THEY LOVERS?! If he gets drunk, strips naked, and challenges Dad to a wrestling match, things will definitely head south!
DECLINE
OKAY, so who’s left…?
DAMMIT! That’s everyone!
Ronia Smits is an Anglo-American writer, artist and cat guardian who grew up in England, the Middle East and Africa. Their humor and salty satire have appeared in The Yellow Ham, Defenestration, Robot Butt, Points in Case and Little Old Lady Comedy. Ronia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with their husband Professor Brovnik (and other wildlife!).