So, Herman Munster was Green

So, Herman Munster was green. 

I shouldn’t have been terribly surprised by this. 

I’d seen the photos of Karloff’s Technicolor make-up tests, 

He’d been green, too. 

And he’d poked his tongue out, 

And I’d found it funny, as much as I could ever find it funny, 

Seeing the Monster behaving like a child. 

It was hardly a new concept. 

But Herman was green in the way that everything on that screen was green. 

In the way that everything had been green since the back first came off the TV, 

Exposing the workings, exposing the CRT, 

So that you wouldn’t miss the racing. 

And do I remember you thumping those workings? 

Do I remember you taking a screwdriver to them, 

When there were warnings that the chassis was live, 

That it was deadly, 

And that only the qualified ought to be allowed in there? 

Well, of course I do. 

I mean, that was my worry back then. 

I’d had the moment myself with the exposed wires on Mrs Mills’ fish tank in school, 

That had felt like I’d been punched in the chest, 

That had sent me backwards onto the floor, 

That I’d not told anyone about, 

Even you, Especially you, 

Because it was so important never to be an idiot in front of you. 

That had happened

And yet here you were, in front of us, 

Sleeves rolled up and screwdriver in mouth, 

The workings exposed 

Because the effing racing was due to start 

And you had a fiver on Pardon Me Boy

I should have known Herman Munster was green. 

Mike Hickman (@MikeHicWriter) is a writer from York, England. He has written for Off the Rock Productions (stage and audio), including 2018’s “Not So Funny Now” about Groucho Marx and Erin Fleming. He has recently been published in EllipsisZine, Dwelling Literary, Bandit Fiction, Nymphs, Flash Fiction Magazine, Brown Bag, and Red Fez. His co-written, completed six-part BBC radio sit com remains frustratingly as unproduced as it was the last time he updated this biography. So here it is, line by [almost] line (Part Four): “Where did we go last week for our super spiffing Sunday Magical Mystery Drive, Cousin?” “Land’s End.” “And I had to find my way back again without any unfortunate accidents befalling me. It was smashing fun, I tell you.” “Look, don’t blame me, you lot. I think she’s got built-in sat-nav.”

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