Now, I know what you’re going to say: 

I need a riding mower to cut the grass

and I know it’s five acres. Trust me, I’ve seen it. 

I need a riding mower because I’m a dad 

and all dads need a mower to go with their cool dad attire,

look at Dude Dad!

Wouldn’t it be nice to drink a beer while mowing that lawn? 

First of all, yes it would, 

but for arguments sake, drinking and driving is often frowned upon

and I’d probably need a six pack while mowing that lawn. 

Which brings me to my point, 

we don’t need a riding mower, but I’ll roll the list out to tell you why anyways:  

1. You don’t get a physique like this drinking a six pack mowing the lawn. 

2.We’ve got so many toys from our kids that it’d be like an obstacle course

or a train wreck.

3.We have all those apple trees and perennials scattered everywhere, 

I’d be dinging up the mower all the time or running over your precious peonies. 

4.Where the hell are we going to put that thing? 

You already say I’ve cluttered the garage and basement with needless stuff

and we both know that’s true, 

but won’t this just add to the mess? 

5.Where are we getting the money for this? 

A riding mower is expensive! I guess we could cut back on our Amazon orders, 

streaming services, 

dinners out, 

takeout, 

drive thru stops

and all the other expenses, 

but what fun is that?

Before I actually show you this list, 

I’m going to go file it away in the basement 

and put the riding mower we always wanted on the Home Depot credit card

and yes, I’ll make sure to get those yard gnomes you love and the decorative trellis too!

Matt McGuirk is a teacher, writer, poet and list maker. He’s nominated for Best Of The Net for 2021, but is probably the only person in his classroom that laughs at his puns. He’s also always hoping the grass will stop growing as indicated by the list above! Find his work posted on Twitter: @McguirkMatthew and Instagram: @mcguirk_matthew.