Guy in The Gobi

I had a dream last night. 

In some odd reality show

exchange program, 

Guy Fieri and Bear Grylls 

traded jobs for a week. 

Grylls was surviving 

the dives of West Texas, 

never suffering from thirst 

as he chugged glass 

after glass of ice water. 

While listening 

to Tres Hombres

he had all the protein 

he could ask for: 

pulled pork sandwiches, 

steak tacos, 

Italian-Mex pizzas

 w/ chorizo and 

chihuahua cheese. 

Conversely, 

Guy was dying of thirst

in the Gobi Desert. 

Scaling the Flaming Cliffs 

and surviving on 

the jellied eyes 

of rotting Bactrian camels. 

His head adorned 

with his backwards Gatorz , 

he squeezed the fluid 

from a ball of camel shit, 

filtered it through his shirt, 

and briefly quenched his thirst. 

About 655,000 Americans die 

each year from heart disease, 

Guy tells us,

as he munches on rare

roasted racerunners. 

While Fieri stuffed a few 

filmy dome spiders 

into his mouth, 

he reiterated the 

heart disease numbers 

and wiped a tear 

from his eye. 

It was hard to keep 

those tips so perfectly 

frosted in 

the Gobi Desert.



Andre F. Peltier (he/him) is a Lecturer III at Eastern Michigan University where he teaches literature and writing. He lives in Ypsilanti, MI, with his family. His poetry has recently appeared in various publications like CP Quarterly, About Place, and Fahmidan Journal. He also obsesses over soccer and comic books.

Categories: Guy Fieri, Poetry

Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *