The new theme song
is an acapella
rendition of
Roddy Rich’s
“The Box” sung by
what sounds like
a long-dead
Aryan centerfold.
Lorelai rolls
her Jeep in
glacial paradiso snowglobe
sunscape—kaleidoscopic
Sunkist blast from floor to god—
vodka dusk her mouth,
Christopher and Max both
splattered
in her crevices.
Jess plunges the
spike down into
a sliver of skin,
the sky’s silver resting like
purple mountain majesty
on shoulders
of granite
swollen thick with gnarled
tangled valleys
and he hates books
and he Tweets
heavy business.
Richard Gilmore made
his money
from child labor
and wears a monocle
and Emily
is nevermore
after an uprising
of all her fired hired help
leaves her hung crooked
from a chandelier in the room
where they had drinks
at Friday Night Dinners.
Rory,
yes, Rory,
uses the library
as a place to
seek out the
White Pearl Pills
and their dust on
old fathers’
hard stubble—
her OnlyFans is a
secret until
Luke
subscribes.
The town troubadour
only does
Lil Peep’s early stuff.
Town meetings are held
in a sweaty bar
with sawdust hovering
and resting in puddles
and Taylor
is always strapped
and says “cunt” a lot.
Lane Kim
drinks her pregnancy
to smithereens
and leaves the Hills Have Eyes remnants
of her fleshwomb
with Lorelai while she
saws her mother’s head off
with a rusty crucifix
while listening
to Amon Amarth
or Gojira
or Madonna.
Paris
doom-scrolls
too hard on Ambien
and the air grows too stale
with sterility
and a syrup-thick
night wander
and she’ll arrive
in Stars Hollow in the cold
with
sweat on her mouth and
absolute absence in the pale wet of her
glowing sockets.
Luke swings from
the ceiling in his hovel
while the diner burns under him
when he reads about Lorelai’s
death and
her paternity test(s)
on Miss Patty’s Facebook page.
Rory,
who is played by
the girl with the breasts
from Euphoria, of course,
burns the rich
(and by the rich, I mean her grandparents)
and their mansion,
broadcasting it all
for her fans
for money
while Phoebe Bridgers is
loud and sleek
in the background
howling about a
swell of heartbreak.
Logan Huntzberger
does not make it
past the first episode
because he
was always a mistake
and would be no better
under a
TV-MA rating.
The end credits
also feature
the same tearful tribute
to Roddy Rich
as the beginning,
as well as
footage of
Alexis Bledel-Rory
and Sydney Sweeney-Rory
side-by-side
reading copies of
Girl, Interrupted
and then laughing
because it’s so silly to imagine
perfect girls
reading about
imperfect things.
R. Jones is a writer who lives in the northeast. Read more of his work in The Daily Drunk Mag now and in The Expat Literary Journal and Misery Tourism this fall. Heckle him on Twitter at @jonestown00.