18 Things That Are Also Now Behind a Paywall

  1. A good night’s sleep.
  1. Common sense.
  1. Your teen responding to your texts.
  1. A conversation with your parents in which they’re wearing their hearing aids.
  1. The troubleshooting section of the manual that came with your new laser jet printer.
  1. Venturing into the world without hearing Ed Sheeran.
  1. An unsolicited greeting from your pet during non-meal hours.
  1. Making it through a day without an apology call from your utility company.
  1. An acronym-less exchange with a co-worker.
  1. Your child not telling your spouse about that minor fender bender you caused while trying to silence Ed Sheeran.
  1. The name of that show someone told you to watch.
  1. The name of the person who told you to watch it.
  1. Your phone not changing your texts to obscenity-laden filth the second you hit “send.”
  1. Your company’s official return-to-office policy.
  1. Your neighbors walking their dog instead of letting it bark its fucking head off at 5 a.m. beneath your window. (See also number 1.)
  1. The guide to your constantly-changing cable channels.
  1. Your mother’s love.
  1. The rest of this list.

    Liz Alterman is the author of the humor blog On the Balls of Our A$$ets, which chronicles the period that came after she and her husband were laid off within six weeks of each other. (Spoiler alert: Don’t try this at home.) Her work has been published in  McSweeney’s, The Daily Drunk, and Weekly Humorist.

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