Back when I was in college I used to scarf down meals in between classes, watching TV on my laptop in my tiny dorm room. No, that tiny dorm room wasn’t at Harvard despite what you may think, but I appreciate the flattery. My high achieving, perpetually disappointed Jewish Father certainly never offered such flattery so please know it truly means a lot.
Bob’s Burgers was always my go to and one scene always stuck with me about a cow named Moolisa.
Moolisa is a cow (actually a steer… give me a break my sister’s a nonbinary vegan, I hear it enough) left outside Bob’s restaurant (Bob’s Burgers) as part of a documentary being made on the beef industry. Moolisa also wore a blonde wig because what better way to make a cow feel human than to put a blonde wig on her. Him, sorry. I know, it’s 2022, I’m trying here.
Bob is ultimately put to the test on whether he wants to save Moolissa or send him to the slaughterhouse. Feeling sorry for Moolisa, he takes him home to his family. Naturally my family would have been forced into doing the same by the totalitarian vegan who shall not be named (Rachel Blanche Borkowski). In fact, if we even dared patron a burger restaurant we’d all be labeled murderers. Ahhh, family!
Moolisa ends up being kidnapped by a local petting zoo (classic local petting zoos) and when Bob’s family daringly rescues Moolisa, he suddenly suffers a heart attack and dies. Bob faints upon seeing Moolisa die and they end up in a dream together.
They sit on romantic pink clouds and exchange pleasantries as one often does with deceased cows. This is particularly odd as throughout the episode Moolisa appears to have no cognizant nor spatial awareness whatsoever. Yet here he was, cross legged and confident as if he was waiting for his martini to be poured by a deliciously handsome bartender.
Moolisa almost flirtatiously suggests that Bob make burgers from his beef which is to say the least a kinky take on romance. Bob, of course, refuses and then in what was easily the most absurd turn in any show I’d ever seen, Moolisa proposes they kiss. Bob was hesitant as any human might be if they found themselves in a similar, arguably erotic dream. Rejecting Moolisa’s initial advance, Bob tries to reason with himself contemplating the concept – was he actually about to kiss a cow? Yet, Moolisa charmed and pushed as dead cows often do and suddenly in this love spell of a dream Bob was making out with Moolisa.
I felt so many emotions. How was this on TV? Why was it so funny? Did I want to kiss a cow too? Sadly, I’ve never found out the answer to that last question, but thankfully Bob’s Burgers let me experience it through the screen and I think (and hope) that’s all I’ll ever need. Enjoy my friends.
Seth Borkowski is a New York-based writer who enjoys writing about dating, self-improvement, sports and the challenges of growing older as a millennial. You can read more of his work at sethborkowski.com.