Rating My Amazon Pandemic Purchases

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PRODUCT: Charmin Ultra-Strong toilet paper, 2-ply, 12-roll pack

PRODUCT: *****

REVIEW: At first, I was afraid this wouldn’t be available. Then, I was afraid it wouldn’t arrive in time. But you guys are fabulous! It’s everything as advertised! My hiney is shiney and your product cleans like a washcloth! In fact, my kids have been wearing the same underwear for a week and I don’t care! The 2-ply construction is allowing me to ration appropriately in our household. If no one gets an intestinal virus, I expect this to last into the middle of June.

PRODUCT: Clorox Disinfecting Wipes, 3-pack, 225 wipes, triple layered

RATING: ****

REVIEW: Thank GOD you had these! No surface is spared when I have one of these babies in my hand—doorknobs, remotes, laptops, wine bottles, magazines. Have you considered making one in a chloroform scent for kids?

PRODUCT: SPAM, 12 each, Classic and Hot n’Spicy, 7 oz. cans

RATING: ***

REVIEW: I had never tried your product before but ordered it after a couple of my friends said they had it in their earthquake kits, just in case the Apocalypse comes. Toss with ketchup, crushed pineapple, tomato sauce or salsa. Whatever. I wouldn’t recommend the Hot n’Spicy style, however. My husband ate that and filled up with gas like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloon.

PRODUCT: Brawny ‘Tear-A-Square’ Paper Towels, 1 roll, 96 2-ply sheets

RATING: ****

REVIEW: Love this product! This is my back-up plan when I run out of toilet paper and disinfecting wipes. What a clever idea to be able to have three sizes to choose from and just be able to tear off the size I need. This will make rationing so much easier, particularly when one child always thinks the other got a bigger piece.

PRODUCT: Kraft Easy Mac Original Flavor Macaroni & Cheese dinner, 24, 12oz. packages

RATING: ***

REVIEW: This has always been a household staple but I never realized how important it would be until I ran out of milk and butter. Mac n’cheese is the only thing my kids will eat! Do you even KNOW how hard it is to find a stick of butter and fresh milk at the grocery store? Would I be an awful person if I paid my elderly mother to shop early and then leave them on my doorstep like I’m a leper or something? Geez.

PRODUCT: PayDay candy bar, King size, 3.4 oz. bar

RATING:*****

REVIEW: Perfect for when you run out of peanut butter! You can dip it right into the jar of jelly and tell the kids it’s a gourmet waffle stick. Or you can eat it at night, alone, while watching Ozark on Netflix.

PRODUCT: Haagen-Dazs Vanilla Bean Ice Cream, 14 Fl oz. (414mL)

RATING: *****

REVIEW: This is a perfect treat! Top with chocolate sauce, caramel sauce, stale Lucky Charms from the back of the pantry or the remainder of the chocolate sprinkles you used last Halloween when you made cupcakes with the kids. For a real treat, smother in vodka. Or rum. Or tequila, lots of tequila. Don’t share.

Nancy Franklin has been published in the Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune and Daily Breeze. Recently, they were featured on a segment of John Krasinski’s “Some Good News.” For more of their writing, visit www.mirthquakes.com and follow them on Twitter/IG @mirthquakes_.

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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