Dear Armie,

Hello. I’m Kelly Kapoor, just a lowly customer service rep from Pennsylvania and tbh, a former fan of yours. I’m emailing you because I just wanted to speak out into the open or whatever to address you and check in to one of the (former) members of my list of hot guys in movies I’ve only seen once. Hopefully this email finds you well before you head into a semi-depressive mental headspace but like Armie, can I be like honest? Number 1: How dare you? I mean, I had a feeling you were somewhat of a freak but I didn’t think you were this bad. Ugh! You were someone who I previously thought of as kind of like…totally bangable. Sometimes even more bangable than Ryan. But like never tell him that. It’d crush him. At least, I think it would. I also saw that you dropped out of that J-Lo movie which is, frankly, even more horrifying to hear than you wanting to eat human body parts. That’s also bad but like dude, you screwed up an opportunity to work with J-Lo. J-LO!!

Anyways, I’m getting off topic.

Armie, your dashing good looks and mildly-qualified acting skills have convinced me that there is still some good in you but answer this: How are you going to redeem yourself? Do you like need a new publicist? Should I be your new publicist? Let me know if you want that because I will gladly leave my current job and move out to LA and meet other famous hot guys. It wouldn’t be as inconveniencing as you might think.

As I’m typing this out, maybe I should’ve just DM’d you on Instagram instead. It would’ve been way faster. Would that’ve worked? Actually….no. That definitely would not work and probably not the best thing for either of us to do. I don’t know what to say other than: I hope you find yourself as your journey into the next phase of your career.

P.S. If you can find a way to message me back that’s not through Instagram, I’d be fine with that. (Maybe like Twitter or Reddit. I’m on both)

Best,
Kelly Kapoor



Tiara (She/Her) is a writer from Fairfield County, Connecticut and has contributed satirical work to online humor publications Flexx Mag and The Haven. Her twitter is @tiaragraceeeeee.